Cod Almighty | Diary

Things are never good, they just go from bad to weird

1 October 2021

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Last Friday's BOTB diary contained these words: "Being a Grimsby fan I feel churned up inside writing in such an optimistic way. I hope I ain't cursed nothing." Turned out I had pretty much cursed everything, as when I dared to suggest the path ahead was strewn with roses it turned out to be strewn with squishy blue bags full of dogpoo.

Firstly Maidenhead, according to all reports there for the taking, were allowed back into the game largely thanks to a negative substitution. In case anyone accuses me of being wise after the event, you may want to re-visit my diary of 10 March. Next up came Bromley, who play on a carpet, kick dangerous opposition players out of the game and celebrate in front of drenched opposition fans rather than their own fan, Brian, who no doubt felt aggrieved at being ignored. Horrible place, horrible team, horrible weather, first defeat.

Ah, come on now, I hear you say, in an explicable Irish accent. Stop being so negative. It's still a great start to the season. We're third. We're playing the Dovermen tomorrow, and they are bottom. Chesterfield lost as well. It's going to be a sellout tomorrow, and our new owners are taking us in the right direction. Well, whatever you say. Is now the time to tell you I find relentlessly positive people a bit creepy? What? You find relentlessly negative people creepy as well? Then we have a stand-off.

On another completely unrelated note, am I the only person who, whenever I see a male model on a clothes site or catalogue, immediately says the word "wanker" to myself? I assumed this was universal but in a conversation with a friend he claimed not to have any feelings one way or another.

Here are some examples from Shein. If you can look at these men without mouthing the word "wanker" to yourself please let me know how you achieve such admirable self-control.

Trust me, this is the tip of the wanker iceberg.

Anyway, let’s hope for three points tomorrow and then the positive pollyannas can slap the negative nellies around the chops and push our heads down the toilets of destiny. Or something. Come on, you depleted Mariners! We don't need Sousa or Effete or Maximus Wrightimus! We can be top by Christmas! Oooh, I'm being positive again. Someone fetch the fire hose!