Cod Almighty | Article

by Richard Dawson

20 November 2003

When I started putting this piece together I was mulling over formations and tactics, musing on whether I should make so bold as to suggest to Mr Groves that he consider emulating Claudio, Sven, et al and cast his midfield in a diamond formation. A fit-again Stacy sitting in front of the back four, with Cas and Anderson as the wide men, all apexed by Campbell. The case for this is further strengthened by our two (yes, two) international-class full-backs, both eager and capable of getting forward and giving us width. Oh yes indeedy - it all sounds great. And maybe it would even stifle the urge to lump the ball immediately in the general direction of Boulding every time we initiate an attack.

But then I developed a sneaking suspicion that the diamond formation is merely a myth dreamt up and propagated by pundits on Sky with a TV hour to kill before kick off. It's just 4-4-2 frozen at one particular moment, isn't it? So what we should be more bothered about, perhaps, is perming the right four from the six or more midfielders we will have when Stacy and Pouton are fit again.

But more on that story later, as Kirsty would say, as I have made a discovery that demands urgent action. We have to discover a D-list celebrity connected to Grimsby, and fast. You see, I have found an astonishing correlation that in the years when a Grimbarian hits the headlines, Town do well in the FA Cup.

Oh, hang on - we've got one! Her that just got kicked out of Pop Idol - Kim Gee. She's hit the headlines mainly for having the temerity to think she can do an Alison Moyet and become an overweight popstar. Austin Mitchell made a right fuss about it in Parliament the other week. So she's had her 15 minutes of fame, and I reckon that near enough guarantees Town getting to at least the third or fourth round. Let me tell you why...

A bespectavled, buck-toothed Norfolk dialect novely act

It all began in February 1966, when Allan Smethurst shot to public attention, when he made it onto Top of the Pops as The Singing Postman. Following the Rolling Stones' performance of '19th Nervous Breakdown' on the show, he crooned his self-penned ditty 'Hev Yew Gotta Loight Boy?' and was revealed to the unsuspecting public as a bespectacled, buck-toothed Norfolk dialect novelty act. At that time Allan was living at 29 Garnett Street in Cleethorpes, and working locally as a postman on twelve quid a week. Heading for fame and fortune he packed in the job, but convinced them to let him keep his uniform.

All his songs harked back to formative years in north Norfolk, but Allan had actually lived in Grimsby since sometime during the second world war, so I've no compunction in claiming him as one of ours. The Singing Postman ditties were written in his bedroom on a Woollies guitar, and he eventually plucked up the courage to send them to the BBC in Norwich, who gave him a spot on local radio. The rest, as they say, is history.

Meanwhile Town, toiling away in the old Division Three (a bit like now, then), triumphed over Barrow, Barnsley and Portsmouth before being drawn away to a resurgent Manchester City in the fourth round of the FA Cup. Young Malcolm Allison was just getting the nucleus of his team together - you know, the one they were dreaming on about on Early Doors recently. Anyhow, Town lost - 2-0 I think it was, but a good performance, and some handy cash.

Not a vintage year for beauties

I can sense you need more before being convinced by my theory. And so, gentle reader, I offer you none other than Della Dolan. Grimsby's fairest damsel of the early 80s, Della was a beauty queen and archetypal D-lister before the term had even been coined. Not only was she 'second runner-up' in Miss World; she also opened the new philatelic kiosk in Grimsby post office in 1982. Oh, and appeared on Look North and Calendar about twice a week, as I recall. I've raked up a photo of the podium girls in Miss World that year (Della is on the left). Not exactly a vintage year for beauties - the rumour was that the winner was the only virgin in the competition, which was a prerequisite after some scandal or other the previous year.

But what of Town's FA Cup fortunes in 1982? Why, we lost to the losing finalists QPR in the third round, after beating Millwall and Newcastle away. I rest my bleedin' case milord. Tenuous? Whaddayamean tenuous?

Could Richard be onto something here or is he nothing but a crazy fool? The Cod Almighty feedback page awaits your verdict.