Cod Almighty | Article

by Simon Wilson

8 March 2004

"You can't have a manager called Nicky!" proclaimed Cod Almighty's Tony Butcher upon hearing of the appointment of Town's new manager. "Why ever not?" we thought. Then we did some poking around...

Nicky Barmby

Squeaky-voiced short-arse of a footie player from 'ull. Had the footballing world (and then England manager Glenn Hoddle) at his feet while playing in Ossie Ardiles' polo formation Tottenham team of 1994-95 (not in the hole either). Moved to Middlesbrough, then found his feet at Everton. Joined, like a few over-rated players have, Liverpool before settling at Leeds to do fuck all for two years. Currently on loan at Forest. Have to say though, squeaky voice aside, he was quite decent in his early days.

Nicky Butt

Famously one of the Manchester United arse-kicking FA Youth Cup-winning side that spawned such household names as the Nevilles, David Beckham, fellow ginger-nut Paul Scholes, and, er, Terry Cooke (well, a household name in Grimsby for a couple of weeks). When he plays, Butt is deployed as the team's holding player, although recently Wes Brown has been trying to take that mantle away from him. An England regular despite irregular club appearances, and arguably England's most consistent player at the last World Cup.

Nicky Campbell

Now reinventing himself as the poor man's Paxman, Campbell's time as a Radio One dj seems a dim memory. Currently hosting a weekday morning show on Five Live and the master griller on consumer rights programme Watchdog. A grill that hasn't been turned on at that. Remember though: Wheel of Fortune.

 

 

Nicki Chapman

Mostly known as a judge on TV's Pop Idol. The 'nice', down-to-earth girl to Simon Cowell's highly-pulled trousers one, Pete Waterman's "I've been there, done that, so listen to me" know it all, and "Dr" Fox's annoying bastard. With this she's become a bit of a sex idol it seems (according to here and here). Before Pop Idol, Nicki managed some of the biggest names in pop music. If Town signed Marc Bridge-Wilkinson do you think she'd fancy managing one of the biggest names in football?

Nicky Clarke

Famous hairstylist who has lent his name to millions of haircare products. All available through an Argos store near you, no doubt. It's safe to say Nicky Law won't need to use any of these tools. Probably best buddies with Lawrence Whatisface off Changing Rooms. And wears the same clothes. What a ponce.

 

Nicky French

Covered Bonnie Tyler's 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' and, apart from a dismal Eurovision Song Contest performance (even by Eurovision's standards), that's it. Town could use underhand Crazy Gang tactics and play this song at a very high volume outside the visitors' dressing room. Fearsome.

Niki Lauda

Having such a girly name didn't stop formula one legend Lauda becoming world champion three times. The Austrian now has many business ventures including Lauda Air and until last year was head of formula one racing team Jaguar. Survived horrific burning during a race. Hero.

 

 

Nicky Santora

Who? Joe Pesci's character in Casino. The short one with the squeaky voice (see Nicky Barmby). And says "fuck". A lot. Team building exercises would be fun. Injuries would increase if players underperformed and ice picks, vices and hammers were left lying around. Would liven up the generic manager's notes in the programme.

 

 

Nicky Southall

Another Nicky who has done time (like it's a prison sentence) at Blundell Park. This midfielder was signed from Hartlepool by Brian Laws, and went on to spend four years at Gillingham, making his name as one of those useful wing-back things (very continental). Which is a bit of a success, as he looked far from useful at BP. "Busy" would be a nice way of putting it. His real first name is Lesley. Which is also a girl's name. Fact!

Nicky Tilsley

Recently returned to Coro after a spell in the world outside of the Street. That other world... is it a bit like Buck Rogers? You know, all 'modern' inside the walls, but you drift outside and you've got to be careful of the radiation and the mutants. Anyway, lots of delicate blonde hair and mentioning his name makes Mrs Wilson swoon. Kissed another boy though. Which would go down well in the Pontoon.

 

Nicky Wire

Manic Street Preachers guitarist who likes to eulogise about the wonders of Marxism. Was interesting before his band signed up to global capitalists Sony. Post-match press remarks would at least sound intelligent, possibly including references to Welsh poetry.

Do you think Tony Butcher is onto something? Are there any other Nickys we have missed off? Drop us a line and let us know.