Cod Almighty | Article

by Simon Wilson

20 January 2003

Passed over by many as their book of 2002 was Stan Ternent's autobiography 'Stan the Man: A Hard Life in Football'. So at the turn of the year Stan's Burnley side geared to face his - and many other people's - nemesis, Neil Warnock, (and his boys) in a league encounter. Notice the book in the bestsellers lists, even in a WH Smiths in deepest claret-swathed Lancashire? Thought not. What better time for Stan to publicly air his thoughts on our beloved Colin Wanker and shift a few copies of the book in the process.

"After most matches managers slurp bottles of beer together watching the classified results filter through," jubbley Stan scribbles. "Most enjoy these get-togethers and a chance to swap anecdotes. But I've never done that with Warnock. Our feud goes back years and I cannot abide the man." Abide the man! Who'd have thought that the tactical genius who was rewarded with an extension to his contract just days after seeing his team beaten 6-5 at Blundell Park would use such a word? Anyway, you were were telling a story Stan...

"At half-time [in April 2001] we were one goal down and as I was asking how much my players wanted it. I thought I heard a noise on the other side of an emergency door. I motioned for them to keep quiet and launched myself into a two-footed kung-fu kick against the door. It exploded outwards and I saw a figure scurry away. I then took one of my players to see the referee and show him a wound and heard a voice behind me say, 'Come off it Stan - you are always at it.'" (exciting isn't it?)

"I turned to see Warnock's number two Kevin Blackwell and I shouted, 'Let's have it now.' I ran up, smacked him in the face and nutted him for good measure. He hit me back and my nose ruptured. I jumped on him and we fell to the floor shoving the door to the referee's room wide open. Stewards and United staff pounced on my back and eventually dragged me away. I'd given him a few cracks and a couple of follow-ups. I've had a friendly beer with Blackwell since, but I won't look Warnock in the face."

The match was postponed. And I read this extract in a Waterstones in Leeds. Where there were five copies left if you're interested.

"Romanian fourth division side Steau Nicolae Balcescu has been warned that if it cannot stop its fans fighting on the terraces and streaming onto the pitch then club will be kicked out of the league. "We can get crocodiles easily enough and feed them on meat from the local abattoir," chairman Alexandra Cringus (no, really) explains. And where will these crocs go? Disappointingly not released onto a matchday terrace. No, instead they'll be placed in a specially built moat surrounding the pitch. "The moat will be too wide to jump over. Anyone who tries to cross it will have to deal with the crocs." Still, better than advertising hoardings any day of the week"

More alert Sky Sports viewers may have noticed ex-Mariner Daryl Clare's goal celebration during Chester's Saturday tea-time Conference game. Those who weren't distracted by the yawnathon from the St Mary's Stadium will have noticed young Dazza pull a Mars bar out of his socks and...proceed to eat it as his celebration. Viewers puzzled how the Mars's shape still resembled that of one fresh from the factory (not squashed! not melted!) just had to witness some of Daryl's other contributions to the match. Of which there were barely any. Seems a Mars a day just helps Daryl rest and play.