The Diary

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Diary - Tuesday 3 May 2005

3 May 2005

Welcome to another week with the Diary, which begins with an interesting interview with Nick Hegarty/Heggarty in the Grimsby Telegraph the other day. Speaking of his impressive debut as a second-half substitute at Kidderminster on Saturday, the flame-haired forward said: "I thought I did all right, and the things I didn't do well I will learn fromÂ… I know I have got to take my chances after seeing some of my mates getting released last week - Liam Parker, Chris Hyam and Joe Lightowler."

Hang on - Joe Lightowler? Released? No, I'm sorry, Nick - you must have that wrong. No way. Not the Joe Lightowler who Town spent three years telling us had turned down Aston Villa and Manchester United so he could play for the Mariners. There's no way he'll have been released, is there. And I mean if he had been then the club would have announced it officially and the Telegraph would have run a whole story on it because it would have been such surprising news. There's just no way it would have sneaked out as a throwaway comment at the end of a four-line post-match interview with a fringe player, is there. I mean that's the sort of shambolic communications management that would shame a cub scout jumble sale. There's no way you'd expect it from a professional football club. No way.

Regardless (or, as George W Bush would probably say, irregardless) of who may be leaving Blundell Park, Furious Russ is wasting no time in setting up an elaborate reality TV-style trial for hundreds of new contestants - sorry, players - who are to play in a specially arranged practice match and then probably get voted off by supporters one by one until the last trialist left gets a one-year contract with the option of a further year. Town's official site gives a very shonky list of the lucky participants which manages to change the spelling of Volendam from last time it mentioned Sven Baas and invent a country called Gamibia. Well, it's all foreign, innit.

As ever, then, it falls to Cod Almighty to clear up other people's mess, and the Diary's specially trained team of research llamas has so far discovered that the, er, Gamibian midfielder whose name appears on the OS as "Abou Nije" is probably Abdou Rahman Njie of Gambia, who, according to the head research llama, Dennis, "has been playing in Germany for a few years", and that "Matterson from Boston Town can only really be Danny Matson - a fairly prolific striker". And actually, to say the OS has invented Gamibia is to do a grave disservice to Hal Needham, director of the 1982 film Megaforce, in which the free world is defended by a ramshackle but effective pseudo-military motorcycle team of that name, led by a tough but charismatic guy with the indisputably brilliant name of Ace Hunter, since it is in the fictitious African nation of Gamibia that much of the action takes place. The 562 users who have rated the film on the Internet Movie Database award it an average of 2.7 marks out of ten. Boooo! Slades out!

That would seem to be all for another day and so, to borrow the unforgettable words of Ace Hunter in Megaforce, "I just wanted to say goodbye and remind you that the good guys always win - even in the eighties."