Cod Almighty | Article
by Pete Green
17 October 2005
Orderly queue forms for Newcastle tickets; disappointed fans "not that disappointed actually"
LOCAL journalists were left disappointed this week after hundreds of disappointed Mariners fans - many of whom have never attended a football match in their lives - refused to hit out at the club after missing out on tickets for this month's Lager Cup clash with Premiership quite big boys Newcastle United.
As tickets went on general sale last weekend many supporters were forced to QUEUE outside Blundell Park until it was their turn to be served. Asked to comment on the non-chaotic scenes of patient waiting, which failed to disgust a number of local residents, a member of the ticket office staff said: "Err, well, it's so everybody gets done in the right order, innit?"
And as representatives of the media descended in the hope of gathering angry quotes, fans who were left EMPTY-HANDED after standing in the Mariners' so-called 'queue' for ages displayed a surprisingly PHILOSOPHICAL state of mind.
"Yeah, well, I was hoping to see Town play Newcastle," said Norman Church (55), of Laceby. "I thought it might be a good game. But I din't get a ticket. Dun't matter - I'll watch it on the telly instead."
Lifelong supporter Kirk Burberry (18), of Weelsby Street, was similarly laid-back after queueing for TWENTY minutes only to get no tickets. "I'd never been before but I went to that last one an' it was all right wannit? Spurs, that was it. Dun't matter though. I'll go and get off me tits down Meggies instead."
Reporters under orders to do a hatchet job on the club were left devastated by Grimbarians' unprecedented refusal to have a moan. "I spoke to one fan who had to stand OUTDOORS to wait to buy a ticket," said Grimsby Telegraph soccer writer Donovan Eggman to nobody in particular. "The club didn't bring him out a nice comfy armchair to sit on, or provide free pizza and hookers, or anything.
"He wouldn't launch an astonishing attack on the Mariners so I asked him if he wouldn't mind just hitting out at them instead," added Eggman. "It was no use. He just SHRUGGED and said it didn't matter all that much when you think about all the terrible things that go on around the world. How do you spell 'queue'?"
And Town fans' unusually happy-go-lucky attitude to missing out on the once-in-a-lifetime chance to see their heroes play against a better team has left plans for the club's new stadium in TATTERS.
"The entire Great Coates project was predicated on the desperation of around 4,000 more local people to come and watch the same team play in a slightly larger ground with much less atmosphere, no pubs for miles, and a horrible smell from Pyewipe," admitted John Fenty after the last Newcastle ticket was sold and empty-handed fans made their way home in a peaceful and orderly fashion.
"Now we're stuck in a conveniently located ground that's exactly big enough for the number of long-term fans this club has," added the Mariners chairman sadly, "and I don't have to keep announcing some rubbish every few months about the club continuing to explore every available option to progress plans for the new stadium. Woohoo!"