Cod Almighty | Article

by Simon Wilson

4 April 2007

Buckley first step in "backwards-looking, forward-going" strategy

NEWS (That Never Happened) can exclusively reveal that the recent return of Alan Buckley to the managerial position at Grimsby Town is only the start of a long-term plan, according to a source within Blundell Park.

The club official revealed: "Even though we were winning last season, everyone was comparing Russell Slade's hard-working and efficient team to Alan Buckley's pretty-passing and overplaying sides. Russ was always going to leave when the chairman told Sladey that he couldn't have a new whiteboard to replace the one he left in Lincoln.

"It was a sore point with Russ and he felt his authority was undermined without his whiteboard. From that moment we knew we'd have to be looking forwards. But as always with Town fans, due to the response to the drab hoofing football and people harking back to the drab passing football, we also had to look backwards. A case of 'back to the future' if you will."

PROGRESSIVE

It transpires that while Graham Rodger was the first choice to replace Russell Slade in the summer, it took a mid-season change in the club's commercial direction rather than the club's disappointing league performances to force the managerial change. "It was the week before Town had lost to the Wimbledon franchise, and everywhere I looked I was seeing news and ads about concerts for the likes of Genesis, Pink Floyd, the Police, and Rush having reunion tours. Well, they have those across the river in Hull. We thought: 'If people will pay to watch over-the-hill nostalgic crap like that, why can't we use that idea in football?'

"Fans always go on about the past, their favourite player or favourite Town team, and how they'd like to see them back. We knew Alan had been tending to his garden for the past couple of years and might be a little bored. Why not give those fans another chance to see a team led by Alan?!"

ROCK

The official said the club's plans didn't stop at the manager. "Given the club's strict budgetary restraints, we reckoned we could reunite either of Alan's previous teams for next to nothing. Peter Handyside could still be a rock in our defence - he's still only about 32 and playing in the Conference - so he'd fancy another crack at League football. Dave Gilbert plays non-League as well these days.

"Garry Birtles just sits on his arse commentating for Radio Nottingham and would be willing to play for a couple of pints and a packet of crisps. I've seen him play in that Football Masters thing on Sky, and the old adage 'form is temporary, class is permanent' stills holds true. Yeah, he's got no pace now, but did he ever have any pace in the first place?"

DINOSAURS

And our source revealed that this isn't just a short-term strategy. "We're looking long term here, considering the bigger picture, a strategy that lasts beyond living memory, goes over the horizon. I was watching Jurassic Park the other night and thought: 'If they can bring dinosaurs back to life, we can easily bring players back from the dead.' Think about it. Dinosaurs were complex creatures, but it's scientifically proven that footballers are genetically a lot simpler. The technology is clearly there: if it's good enough for Steven Spielberg, it's good enough for me. Time travel could be an option, but it's a bit impractical taking just a few people back in time, when we can just bring former heroes back to life and sell out the Fentydome week after week."

When questioned whether about the ethics of this move, our source was unapologetic. "People go on about cloning and the morals of it, but I'm a marketing man. I clearly have no morals. And anyway, forget morals. The chance for the modern-day supporter to see a player like Pat Glover? I'd say it'd be a once in a lifetime opportunity for the modern-day supporter of Grimsby Town Football Club, but clearly it isn't!"

The spokesman couldn't confirm or deny whether this meant Town fans would have to endure the Mick Lyons era yet again.