Cod Almighty | Article

by Mat Hare

18 March 2004

Remember the good old days? I'm not talking about when rationing ended nor when all this was green fields. I'm not even talking about being able to leave your door unlocked without fearing for your personal property, or parties in the street. Instead I'm talking about the good old days when I used to meet my writing deadlines. When I suggested this Gaffer Tapes idea to the rest of the CA team, they were really enthusiastic but said I would need to make sure I kept doing regular updates to keep the series going. I started off well, but it all went tits up at the back end of last year as my real job search took off and I started to neglect my hunt for a job in football management somewhat. But I'm back now, sort of.

So how's the job search going? Those of you who also read my tips column will know that I have had two interviews. Admittedly they were both for programming jobs and were nothing to do with football in the slightest. As it happens, I didn't get either of the jobs I was up for, so we should really just gloss over that and worry about the vacancies in the beautiful game.

Anyone who has seen the notes stuck to my computer at work over the past couple of months (which probably isn't many people - myself included, as my desk is a right bloody mess) will be fully aware that I haven't been keeping very up to date with the managerial sack race. Mind you, I don't think a lot happened in January really. I've just checked on the website to see when I did the last update and it was 6 January apparently. Someone who was dedicated to bringing you accurate, up-to-date information would look on the web to check who was sacked since the last update and then check through his records to see which clubs he applied to in that period. Such a person would also do monthly updates, rather than one every couple of months if you are lucky. So you might have guessed by now that I haven't checked on the web to check on the sackings; I'm going to try and remember all the sackings I can and probably fuck it up if truth be told. Ah well, you don't care do you?

First to get the boot in January was either the fella at Notts County whose name eludes me or Gary McAllister at Coventry. I know they both lost their jobs in January but despite the start of the sentence I have no idea which way round it was. Hey, I'm a gambling man, I bet it was the bloke at Notts County. Ooh, Soccerbase reckons he got the boot on 7 January and that his name was Bill Dearden. Hurrah! What about Gary Mac? It appears he was sacked in December. Oh. I seem to remember they put a caretaker manager in place for a bit and then said they were looking at appointing someone didn't they?

So I'm currently trying to look at the news section of their official site but the registration process is taking fucking ages. What happened to the days when you could just open up a website and read all it had to offer? Why do I have to bloody register and tell them how many Coventry home games I plan to attend this season before I am deemed worthy to read their news items? Right, I'm in. And there appears to be no news archive or anything handy. All I know is Eric Black has been appointed first team manager, and that was probably just because I couldn't be arsed to apply. I was too busy at work to ever get round to writing my letter.

Anyway, it's Coventry. I hate the West Midlands, so why would I want a job at Cov? At least Notts County's Rivals site has a list of post-war managers to help me. Unfortunately it lists Billy Dearden as the current gaffer, and I know that to be a fib. Bloody hell - Howard Wilkinson, Howard Kendall and Neil Warnock have all managed Notts County. I never really had any feelings either way about the Magpies but I think those three are arseholes. This was another job that passed me by, again because I didn't apply. This time it was due to semi-terminal apathy though. It seems like a bloke called Gary Mills got the job, although I'm not 100 per cent sure because them Rivals sites are a bit wanky. And he doesn't seem to exist in Soccerbase.

Let's move on to February now, shall we. It'll be more interesting because I actually sent out some letters this month. Three of them, in fact. One was to a small club, one to a medium-sized club and one applying for the biggest job in football. We shall deal with them in ascending size order, beginning with plucky little Boston United. They dispensed with the services of Neil Thompson so I thought I'd try and fill his shoes. However, it appears Neil took his footwear with him when he departed. My letter to Boston fell on deaf ears, it would seem. Perhaps that is because I was only able to address it to "The Chairman" at the club, unable as I was to find out his name. Apparently it's Mr J Sotnick, so if it ever comes up in a pub quiz you'll know now. Anyway, J never wrote back to me, and ended up employing his former team manager Steve Evans instead. Who I think was suspended from the game for a while for George Graham-style for financial irregularities. Anyway, no matter how cooked his books were beforehand, he has a job in football now and I don't. Bastard!

Next up were a poxy little club on the south coast, namely Southampton. OK, they have just got a shiny new ground and quite a few internationals on their books - but so have Hull. New seats and international caps don't make you any more attractive, not to me anyway. Rupert Lowe, the posh-named chairman of Saints, was suffering from the blow of losing Gordon Strachan sooner than anticipated. Gordon was looking forward to sitting on his arse and doing nowt for a bit rather than being paid a handsome sum to manage a Premiership football team. He should have given me a call, and we could have done a job swap thing. Channel 4 could have filmed it and everything. It would have been great. But no, he goes and bloody resigns, leaving the job open for anyone to try and bag, doesn't he? No consideration, the little ginger git. I sent a letter off to Rupert though, promising a respectable finish this season and a push for Europe next. That sort of promise is worthy of an interview at least, isn't it? Not according to Mr Lowe, who had some underling called P Bateman write to me and tell me so. I can take rejection; I'm getting used to it.

Finally this month comes the biggest job in the game. I shouldn't have to remind you that in the month of February, one of the nicest men to have ever worn the black and white stripes was sacked. Not that I've ever met Paul Groves but he always seemed like a nice lad. I've met Bradley Allen and he was a good bloke, as was Daryl Clare actually. That was a couple of years ago, when my old man said one of his mates was going to the match if I wanted a lift. It was only Pete "Furno" Furneaux! So he gave me a ride in his flashy motor and a nice little tour of the ground. I took it upon my shoulders, then, to try and repay this moment of kindness by letting the lovely old fella know I was available should he need to me to run his football team. Fair play to PF: he didn't think I was up to the task but he did write me a nice letter, signed by himself and not some lackey. I'm sure the grammatical error and the omitted word weren't his fault though. I was slightly relieved I didn't get the job when I saw the letter. Any club that writes such rejection letters on headed paper displaying the name of the old manager obviously hasn't got enough money for some new stationery, never mind new players.

That'll do for now I reckon. At the time of writing there have been four sackings already in March. And how many of those jobs have I applied for? At the time of writing, none.