Cod Almighty | Match Report

by Sam Lenthall

4 November 2013

When your friend sends you a message on a Sunday morning, after a particularly heavy weekend, asking you if you want to write a match report for an esteemed non-League football fanzine, the answer probably shouldn't be the following, if said match report is going to stand any chance of being any good at all:

"Yeah I can have a bash when I've sobered up a bit, it'll probably read something like... 'nothing happened, it was cold, I ate some chips and then in the 92nd minute we scored and I love football and Grimsby Town'."

But it was. I was still drunk then, and I was also nursing a particularly bad hangover at the match too. I guess these opening lines will serve as my excuse, so if you get to the end of this report being none the wiser of the ins and outs of Grimsby Town's away win at Woking, you can't say I didn’t warn you. Anyway…

First half

We arrived at the Kingfield Stadium about 45 seconds after kick-off. This is probably the first time I've ever got to a match late, and of course, this is the match when Town decide that they're gonna score a goal after 30 seconds. Cheers guys.

So we entered the stand to witness the players celebrating in front of us, and quickly learned that our favourite fox in the box Ross Hannah had scored. Ideally I'd have liked to have seen the goal, but I'm happy nevertheless. Although as I look over to the big clock and see it's not actually 3pm yet, and then take a look at my phone to confirm, I can't help but feel slightly aggrieved.

But still, we've scored and the players look confident when the match kicks off again. It's gonna be one of those days. We're gonna score loads. I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes. I feel like a fool for thinking that.

Oh yeah, Town lined up as follows: McKeown, Hatton, Pearson, McDonald, Thomas, Colbeck, Kerr, Disley, Jones (the haircut and the beard), Cook, Hannah.

The following 45 minutes can only be described as non-existent. I don't really remember anything happening. Kevin Betsy scored a goal for Woking on the 28th minute after James McKeown's poor clearance went straight to a Woking player who then put Betsy through on goal. Kevin Betsy, now there's a familiar name; did he used to play for Barnsley? Hmm… maybe.

Other talking points from the first half were the fact that Joe Colbeck was wearing stripey boxer shorts, the linesman looked very young, the Woking left-back’s surname is Nutter, and that’s funny. Kerr and Colbeck messed up a free kick move in comedy fashion. It was one of those startling 'this is non-League football' moments. Sam Hatton got a yellow card for a late, clumsy challenge. Erm… Cook started limping towards the end of the half and Liam Hearn came on in place of him.

Christ on a bike, they've got a chippy in the ground. They must've known we were coming

The first thing I noticed when I walked into the ground, aside from the fact that we'd scored a goal, was the glorious smell of a chippy. The many advertising boards advertising the chippy in the ground confirmed that my nose was not deceiving me. Christ on a bike, they’ve got a chippy in the ground. They must've known we were coming.

We entered the quite impressive-looking stand at half time and got a battered sausage and chips, while commenting on the depressingly ironic fact that you can't buy fish or chips from any of the food outlets in Blundell Park (correct me if I'm wrong, and McMenemy's doesn't count.) Anyway, the food was absolutely fantastic (take note, Welling United) and we made our way to the stand that Town were shooting towards for the second half.

Second half

The second half was, all in all, a livelier affair, although we still didn’t have a great deal of decent chances. Jimmy Mac made a couple of good saves to keep us in the game, and as time went on, the atmosphere from the Mariners fans started to pick up and the players seemed to respond to it.

The ever-impressive Scott Kerr managed to get a good hold of the game, and started spraying balls left, right and centre from the midfield. Thomas and Colbeck started to show a bit of confidence down the wings. Liam Hearn showed glimpses of what we know he is capable of with a few decent runs down the right. But still, we lacked penetration.

And then, with a few minutes to go, came the masterstroke of the century. Local lad Caine Winfarrah came on for Ross Hannah to make his professional debut at just 17. His kit looked massive on him, but he meant business. In the last minute of injury time, the ball came through to Winfarrah at the edge of the box. With his first touch he instinctively laid it off for Craig Disley, who got through on goal to absolutely smash it in to the back of the next with a great strike.

The Town players headed off into the far corner in celebration, and the fans stampeded over in delight to get involved with them, me included. I saw at least four blokes fall to the ground as they scurried under the barrier at the front of the terrace. It was great. Everything is great.

Is there anything sweeter than an injury-time winner? Probably not. Suddenly, the fact that I have been bored and cold for the past 90 minutes is no longer a problem. In fact, I'm glad I've been bored and cold for 90 minutes. No pain, no gain. You'd have to say that it was a fairly even match, and Woking probably didn't deserve to lose. But they did. They bloody did. It wasn't pretty – but it never really is, is it? Three points, and up to fourth in the league. Take a bow, Caine Winfarrah.