Cod Almighty | Match Report

by Miles Moss

12 September 2006

Rochdale 1 Grimsby Town 0

A rather muggy night, the high atmospheric pressure clearly keeping hundreds of Rochdale's migraine sufferers at home rather than coming out to watch the match. At least I assume that was the reason, rather than that Liverpool and Chelsea were both live on the telly in some European competition or other. Or the fact that Rochdale hadn't won a match this season, and - as a lifelong Dale fan friend informed me - had a total of only four wins in their last 36 matches overall. Whatever the reason, I was able to park right outside the ground, there was no queue at the bar, and we had our pick of seats. Fourth division football is ace.

Rochdale's mascot is a dragon. Well, you know, it's a man dressed as a dragon. We watched him kicking a ball about with one of Rochdale's reserves and tried to work out which aspect of local history particularly related to mythical beasts. Dale... Desmond... the Dragon... yeah, it's alliteration. I guess a dragon is preferable to a donkey or a dung beetle. And they haven't gone down the heritage-based costume route, since dressing someone up as cotton or the co-operative movement would be a touch too abstract.

The new Spotland pitch is unrecognisable - it was wearing a false nose and dark glasses. Not really! It is green and level. Mind you, Dale still share it with a rugby team, so we'll see if it lasts the winter, but for now it looks smashing - well worth selling Ricky Lambert and Grant Holt to raise the funds for it. Oh yeah! They've sold Lambert and Holt. That's good news. Let's have a look at the replacements then... shitting hell! There are two blokes out there on stilts! Barker and Sako are the two big tall freaks in question, with a combined height of over thirteen feet.

But what of our team? Town lined up as follows: Barnes, Croft, Fenton, Whittle, Newey, Bore, Bolland, Ravenhill, Toner, our Gary Jones not their Gary Jones, and Rankin. They've got the Carlton Palmer twins; we've got the Bolland clones. Town's touchline-joggers were Boshell, Murray, Taylor, Chamberlain, and McDermott.

First half
Town kicked off, and both teams ran around a bit trying to get the ball into each other's goal. It's like that sometimes, football, isn't it. But only sometimes. Very early on, Rochdale won a free kick just outside Town's area. Actually, hang on - they were awarded a free kick. What is all this with 'winning' free kicks and penalties, as if you've tried to get the ref to award them? It smacks of deviousness, doesn't it, and that's just not cricket.

Anyway, Rochdale's free kick was a tad worrying, as we had only just been discussing that two six-foot-seven forwards and a flappy Phil Barnes in goal were not a good combination should a free kick be awarded. All they need to do is clip it up into the area, and it's a goal. Dale played the double bluff and cut the free kick back for Their Gary Jones, who smashed it over Barnes' bar. This was the shape of things to come, as several more Rochdale shots in this half were to sail gracefully over the crossbar and into the stands. Had this been Rochdale Hornets playing, that would have been 8-0 to them, or something, but it wasn't, so it wasn't.

Town had a free kick followed by a corner, neither of which led to anything of interest. The Co-op Dragons seemed to have a lot of time in midfield, but passion was evident in the Mariners team, with Bolland Bolland and Ravenhill Bolland both sticking in some committed tackles, taking the ball right off the toes of the opposition. The only trouble seemed to be that once in possession of the ball, too much was left to chance. Long balls forward and hopeful flicks found Rochdale players, mostly - Sharp's headed clearances were especially accurate and consistent, the bastard.

A period of goalie tennis broke out, Gilks and Barnes proving that they could both kick it as far as each other. Then the other 20 players threatened to tell Mum, so they let them have the ball as well. And when they got the ball, chances were created by both sides. One of the Ravenlands ran through the middle and whupped a shot into Gilks' bread basket, and the biggest "oooh!" of the half came courtesy of Rankin, who let a long ball bounce in front of him before smacking a righteous flaming cannonball shot at goal, which Gilks was forced to deflect it over the bar. Bore looked dangerous on a few occasions on the attack, before appearing to twist his knee and being unable even to hobble for a worrying minute or two.

The new FA ruling about referees ignoring dead players came into force twice during this half, and once again during the second: first a player who I assumed to be Toner but who may have been Newey was left in a heap. Rochdale carried on. Five minutes later, the Mariners played on despite a blue-shirted corpse, and the home crowd seemed to take offence. Double standards. Tsk.

The first half had been fairly even, a few chances for each side. Not much to moan about. Which is probably why the morons in front of us decided to pick on Town's young subs instead, who were having a kickabout. "That's why you're not in the first team!" bellowed one of the nesbits at Murray, Taylor and Chamberlain as a pass went astray. That's right - a nice bit of encouragement for the players of the future.

Second half
Town came out for the second half five minutes before Rochdale, presumably as part of Grodger's plan to not get caught cold after the break. I don't suppose part of the plan involved Whittle and Barnes jumping for the same ball and nearly doing each other a mischief, both helping each other to land awkwardly. Luckily they got away with it. The Dale players came out (of the tunnel, I mean), and Andy Taylor ran onto the pitch to replace Bore, whose knee must have stiffened up during the interval or summat.

The players picked up where they left off, and it actually looked like both teams wanted to win this match. Early on, Whittle missed by a long way with a faint header, but then Rochdale pulled up their socks and put the thumbscrews on. Barnes saved; Whittle made an outstanding block with both feet; and even one of their beanpoles gave us a hand, Ritchie Barker first blocking Dagnall's shot, then chasing a through ball, beating Croft, and finally putting the ball out for a Town throw. He did this in the first half too, as it happens. It must be his party piece.

The Dale pressure finally paid off. Spotting a weakness down our right, they made several attacks, and in the fifty-somethingth minute Croft missed a tackle, enabling Their Gary Jones to pass to Sako, who smacked a low shot into the far corner. Barnes got a hand to it, but it was powerful enough to bend his wrist back and it rolled over the line. The ball, not his wrist.

A few chances were made by Taylor, who looks as if he has skill, but not the experience to match. For every time he chased a ball to the bye-line and got a cross in, there was another where a pass bounced off his heel, his arse, and then his shin before being nicked by the opposition. He's definitely got something though.

If anyone was going to score for us, it was going to be Rankin, and in five minutes he nearly nearly did just that, twice. First there was another bazooka of a shot which wobbled the angle of post and bar. Then, a few minutes later, he was through on goal thanks to a crazy pass back to the keeper by a Dale defender. Here it comes - a certain goal! However, Isaiah was as surprised as the rest of us by this opportunity and knocked the ball too far forward, allowing Gilks to collect at his feet. Doh!

This seemed the turning point of what was a fairly even match: Town's attacks were unsure and scuffy, and Rochdale nearly scored three or four more, sensing a weakness in Croft and attacking down their left several times. In the face of this assault Barnes did well, making saves and blocking a fierce shot with his feet; at one point, stranded and with another goal inevitable, he didn't give up, and chased Sako round the penalty box like an episode of Benny Hill until Whittle came to the rescue. There were some punches where catches perhaps could have been made, and he had a nervous start, but overall he seemed to have more ability and confidence than he has shown so far.

At the final whistle Pavlov's supporters booed, but they don't know any better. Yes, Town lost, and admittedly against a team who aren't one of the best in the division, but it was a good performance overall, and we're not that far off being quite good. No need to panic, no need to boo.

Miles' unsponsored man of the match
Everyone was quite good, but did something at some point which made me strike them off the list. Barnes made an error or two; Rankin didn't score when he should have; Bolland looked at me in a funny way. So it goes to Justin Whittle. Loads of great blocks, tons of commitment.

Official Warning
Mr R Booth was alright. There were a few crunching tackles here and there, mostly from Rochdale players, my biased memory tells me; yet he made no bookings. He probably had something to do with the fact that the game flowed and was exciting. He got a few throw-in decisions totally wrong, but y'know, he's a human being - he's Mr R Booth, not Argus Panoptes, so what do you expect. I'll give him seven.

The Others
Not brilliant, not terrible; they don't have a Mendonca, but they don't have an Anthony Williams. Looking like neither last year's Rushden or last year's Carlisle, they are really quite average. That's not a put-down; they just look average. They still won, though.