Cod Almighty | Article

by Theme team editor

27 August 2014

Long, long ago, Cod Almighty proudly announced its team of the month. That proved a literal title: the series ran for one month. It's back, but this time without the title that is a hostage to fortune. A team, nominated by you, of Grimsby players representing humanity in all shapes and sizes.

Read on, and you'll see we also ask for nominations for a new team, of players who were popular despite being not terribly good.

The gibbon in the goalSteve Sherwood nominated by David Jagger
Steve Mildenhall (anonymous)
Paul Reece by Dave the Engineer and Alan Richardson

An easy start. "Tall man in goal" is right down there with "Dog bites man" or "Grimsby lose" as an attention-grabbing headline. A short goalkeeper is news. As Alan says: "I seem to remember Paul Reece being about 5 foot 8 inches (even with that floppy hair) which meant he could hardly touch the crossbar."

The giraffesAndy Tillson (anonymous)
Ben Futcher by Pete Green and Alan Richardson
Mickael Antoine-Curier (anonymous)
Graham Rodger by Keith Collins
Justin Whittle (anonymous)
Mark Lever by Keith Collins
Rob Jones by Alan Richardson, Keith Collins and David Jagger
Gary Jones (anonymous)
Alan Pouton (anonymous)

It is not enough that a man is tall. He must look tall. So most of these nominations just don't make the grade. There are three good candidates though. One slot goes to Rob Jones, by sheer weight of nominations, and Alan swings the second spot for Ben Futcher, ahead of Mark Lever, by raising the truly mind-boggling idea of playing him at right-back.

The little ball of energyDave Boylen by Richard Dawson and Keith Collins
Dave Gilbert by Ben Gresswell and Dave the Engineer

Did you ever wonder why the Mariners failed to build on the successes of the 1997-98 season? Unlike all previously successful Town sides, we were lacking a midfielder capable of running between a human giraffe's legs. We're going to have to stoop (something they never have to do much of) to statistics here: Boylen is 5'3", Gilbert 5'4"; Dave Boylen gets it by an inch.

The greyhoundPaul Emson by Martin Robinson

Only one nomination for the will o' the wisp position. Martin writes: "Emmo, Emmo, chanted the Barrett (or was it Findus?) regulars as Paul Emson flew down the wing. Beanpole, lanky streak of piss."

The man mountainGeorges Santos by Alan Richardson
Tony Crane by Pete Green
Ciaran Toner (anonymous)

Being fat, as an anonymous nominator claimed for Toner, is not good enough. Santos was "just huge" whereas "Tony Crane's arse was so large that his transfer to the Mariners was held up while the club awaited planning permission from North East Lincolnshire Council." Admittedly, a 4-4-2 might mean fitting Crane in midfield, but frankly, does it make any difference where he plays?

The daddy longlegsGordon Walker by Richard Dawson and David Jagger
Keith Alexander by Martin Robinson, Alan Richardson

All gangling limbs, the programmes note of the human spider that he has a "Surprisingly good touch for a big man", preferring that to "Surprisingly ineffective in the air".

As Richard says, Walker stood out 30 years ago, and even those too young to have seen him recall Phil Ball's tribute to him. Both Alan and Martin point out though that Keith Alexander offers not only unfeasibly long legs, but a great smile.

The shrimpGary Crosby by Dave the Engineer
Jamie Forrester by Dave the Engineer
Stuart Campbell by Richard Lord
Matt Tees by Keith Collins

Ideally, the daddy longlegs needs to play alongside a player so small you hardly know he is there. Fitting that bill neatly was Stuart Campbell, who, as Richard reminds us, was "not that short... not that thin... but so small and thin he was invisible".

Dave the Engineer suggests the "small and thin" Crosby and "the small and round" Forrester, but we think it was their Zelig-like ordinariness that allowed these players to flit around unnoticed. Let's open up this category for thin players; 'Sir' Matt Tees was no shrimp, but, in The Return of The Thin Man, he did inspire a Hollywood film.

The not very good, the bad, and the uglyMick Halsall by Keith Collins

Ugliness is no doubt a theme that could generate a whole XI of its own (and that's not going into Mike Lyons' preferred 'style' of play), but Keith Collins is in no doubt who has to be star of the team. Mick Halsall was so ugly "he had two jobs come the end of October."

And finally...Ian Knight by Alan Richardson
Kevin Jobling by Alan Richardson
Steve Livingstone by Ben Gresswell and Simon Wilson

Two slots outstanding, and we're still looking for a left-back and a central defender. Ian Knight, Alan reminds us, was "surely the only footballer with one leg longer than the other", but he hid that pretty well. Steve Livingstone has two strings to his bow: a "massive, funny-shaped nose" (says Ben) and "the magic arse which knocked Leicester out of the League Cup" (says Simon).

Finally, Alan deserves credit for his willingness to tackle the difficult full-back positions: "Kevin Jobling for his amazing suntan. I know Peter Till had a bit of a reputation for a mahogany glow, but I don't think he was anywhere near Jobling. I also think that Jobling could have got in for his high-pitched voice." He could, Alan, and he does.

The Cod Almighty 'Physical Phenomena' XI

1. Paul Reece
	4. Steve Livingstone	5. Rob Jones
2. Ben Futcher			3. Kevin Jobling
	6. Tony Crane	7. Mick Halsall
8. Dave Boylen			11. Paul Emson
	9. Keith Alexander	10. Matt Tees

 

Our next Theme Team – Useless but PopularOur next Theme Team is a kind of flip side to the team with which we began this series. Instead of players who were good but came in for flak, we want players who were popular despite not being terribly good. The team offers you the chance to do two things. You can remember the endearing efforts of players who just were never quite good enough, or you can take the pickaxe to the memory of players held in high esteem by most supporters, but whom you personally think had feet of clay.

Use this link to send us as many nominations as you choose, no later than 30 September. You have a better chance of getting your players included if you throw in a few lines of description and also if you tackle the harder-to-fill slots. But don't let that stop you just naming names, and you may as well be the one who gets in all the obvious choices and positions.

We'll publish our Useless but Popular XI and set a new theme in October (honestly).

Send your Theme Team nominations for the Useless but Popular XI, and any other feedback on this article, using our feedback form.