Cod Almighty | Article
by Theme team editor
26 October 2014
We've had a rich response to our revived Theme Team: an XI of players who were useless but popular. Find out who has made the cut, then get your ideas together for a 'Could have been a contender' team...
Goalkeeper
Paul Crichton by Adam Deller
The number one jersey is uncontested, the first keeper we had in years who commanded his box but who could have taken FIFA to court for curtailing his right to earn a living over the back-pass law. Paul Crichton was "ever present in a good team, yet nowhere near as good as Davison or Coyne after him. His reputation is enhanced by not being Rhys Wilmot or Anthony Williams".
Right back
John McDermott by Adam Deller
Bradley Wood by Neville Butt
What is this?
Adam's defence is legally sound – he can claim incitement after the Diary urged you to iconoclasm. John McDermott he says was "excellent in his day, but played way after his day was over, getting into the team by reputation alone at the end". Hmm, also getting into the team because he was still better than the alternatives, I'd say.
One of those alternatives was Bradley Wood, nominated by Neville at the 11th hour to get Adam's neck out of the noose. "Bradley's commitment to the Town cause was never in doubt as he dashed around the pitch in search of the ball. The fans loved it. His name when the teams were announced was guaranteed to raise the loudest cheer. From full-back, he would see an opportunity to win the ball and nothing would stop him, but he dived in too frequently. Somehow he always appeared to be on the 'wrong' side to an attacker."
Left back
Ben Chapman by Donk Dawson
Ray Robson by Neville Butt
We expected the Tony Gallimore nominations to flood in, but instead we've one of the players many liked seeing on the teamsheet if only because he was unlikely to be nursing a hangover. Ben Chapman, says Donk, was "small, energetic and not really good enough (they said). He could leap like a salmon though, you know, and I loved him for that".
Ray Robson, who played for Town for three years from 1952, was our first overlapping full-back. He "raced down the left touchline leaving defenders in his wake, with the crowd roaring him on loving every extra yard covered. It was exciting but the end product was never quite as we hoped. We loved his lack of fear and while he was not the worst full-back to play for Town by any means, he failed to reach the all-round standards we needed".
Robson sounds like a typical fans' favourite while Chapman, as Donk parenthetically concedes, never really caught our hearts.
Central defenders
Geoff Barker by Jem Halfpenny
Matt Bloomer by Adam Deller
Jason Gavin by Richard Lord
Mark Lever by Adam Deller
Richard argues that being a poor defender is indefensible, and then tries to make a case for Jason Gavin by pretending "even for just a moment, for the benefit of this team, that he was loved by one fan. Your mum, or something". There is just no way he meets the popularity criterion.
Matt Bloomer belongs to the theme of local players tending to get away with just being "pretty poor. The Fishy's profile of him says 'Many believe Town will regret letting him go'. Well, we didn't did we? We had him back. And back again. And he didn't get any better, as his localised career shows". The sympathy Bloomer had when he conceded a goal while tying his laces is enough to get him in as 'useless and popular enough'.
To partner him, we have a choice between two player of the year award winners: Geoff Barker in 1977-78 and Mark Lever in 1999-00. Lever, Adam concedes, was "perfectly acceptable, but not as good as Futcher (who was?), Rodger, Handyside or a fit Richard Smith (in both games he was actually fit). One whose reputation was enhanced by playing alongside a good defence at the time". Lever provided necessary steel alongside more accomplished players while Barker "was a master of the mistimed challenge" whose headed clearances "would fly off his bald head to all corners of the ground".
Midfield players
Stuart Campbell by Adam Deller
Eddie Grant by Neville Butt
Mike Hickman by Graham from Alberta
Graham Hockless by Adam Deller
Michael Leary by Wrawbz
Alan Pouton by Adam Deller
Campbell, says Adam, got away with pottering around ineffectually. However, Cod Almighty has a match reporter who would feel his work had been wasted if the invisible man made it into a team with 'popular' in its title.
There are two who might have made it if competition was less fierce in midfield. We agree with Wrawbz that Leary did not have the ability to succeed at Town, but then, as he concedes, nor did most of the players around him. His local connections were not enough to make him anything like popular. Hickman, Graham freely concedes, was unpopular because he was crap, but nevertheless Graham "somehow believed he was the heart, and my favourite, of that fantastic team".
We are going to build this team around Alan Pouton, as Adam finally claims his mighty scalp. "We all loved Pouts. Useless is pushing it clearly, but we probably loved him more for his aggression than his actual skill. I'm sure our skewed love for him led to him being ridiculously good on a historic version of Championship Manager, where I remember him playing for England and Milan".
To partner him, we have a choice between two favourites among those who watched the reserves (and when Grant was playing, that was 2,000 people or more). Hockless was "one of those players whose reputation was enhanced by (a) us being crap and (b) him not being in the team. One great strike against Stockport turned him into our big hope for a while. His subsequent performances (and career) showed him to be anything but".
Eddie Grant, signed by Bill Shankly, had a tremendous shot and good control and when he was selected for the faltering first team in 1953, Neville tells us there was a murmur whenever he got the ball. However, "whilst his passing was reasonable he could not defend in any sense of the word. Attackers walked round him as if he was not there, he could not get back quickly enough to help his defence. For much of the time the game passed him by. He was simply a likeable liability".
Close, but that graceless interview Hockless gave not long ago when he blamed everyone but himself for his career going nowhere has stripped away his last vestiges of popularity. Grant goes in.
Wingers
Kingsley Black by Adam Deller
Jamie Devitt by Ashley Smith
John Oster by Adam Deller
Andy Parkinson by Matt Barker
Steve Saunders by Richard Whitehouse
David Smith by Adam Deller
Mark Smith by Richard Whitehouse
John Thorrington by Pete Hirst
We're going to have to cheat here as unless my memory is playing tricks, nearly all these nominations are left-sided. Someone's going to have to do that fashionable cutting in from the right thing.
Eight players competing for two positions, but this is quantity over quality. A few we can rule out right away. David Smith was one of many left-sided players who toiled in the shadow of not being Dave Gilbert or Ivano Bonetti – he was an OK player with an OK reputation. Mark Smith understudied in two or three positions but there was never a clamour for him to be in the team. Yes, John Thorrington's US nationality made him a curiosity, but you can hardly condemn a man on three matches amid the chaos Nicky Law was creating in the squad.
The cases for John Oster and Andy Parkinson are only slightly stronger. Adam knows "Everton fans who are still annoyed at his purchase". I know a Tranmere fan who would put Andy Parkinson straight in their useless but popular XI, but it is Town performances we are concerned with and Oster's lit up the club in difficult times (how we'd love difficult times like that today). Parkinson "tried hard and he had a face that made you sympathise with him". Yes, but lots of fans sympathised because he was getting so much not-quite-merited stick.
Steve Saunders, though, feels just right for this team. Fans knew he wasn't that good, were willing to laugh with him rather than at him, and were pleased for him when he began to turn into a half-decent player, whereupon he was sold and replaced by Gilbert. Saunders was lucky to have played at a time when the Grimsby crowd was more affectionate in its mockery.
On the other flank, the choice is between Kingsley Black, for whom "scoring at Wembley meant people forgot him pinging 756 free kicks into the wall", or Jamie Devitt, whose shock return brought "shouts of 'Come on Jamie!' that couldn't improve his match fitness. Nor could playing more matches, apparently". Tough one. Devitt really did excel in a poor side during his first spell at Town, while if anything Black's previous career elevated expectations of him, making it harder for him to gain credit. Devitt, by a goal deflected in off the goalie's legs.
Forwards
Jean-Louis Akpa Akpro by Pete Hirst
Mike Jeffrey by Dave the Engineer
Gary Liddell by Richard Hallam
Darren Mansaram by Pete Hirst
Iffy Onuora by Dave the Engineer
Lee Peacock by Charles Lumley, Jack Connor
Tony Rees by Adam Deller
David Soames by Donk Dawson, Pete Hirst
Roger Willis by Matthew Woods
Neil Woods by Adam Deller
As always, the strikers' berths are the most hotly contested, but three are a clear fail on the uselessness criterion. Analogy of the week is Adam's description of Tony Rees's back-heels – "like Andy Murray with a dropshot" – but dust down your VHS of the 1989-90 season and you'll remember that, for the moaning they attracted, both he and Neil Woods belong in a 'bloody good and not given a fraction of the credit they deserved' XI.
We're not having Jean-Louis Akpa Akpro either. If his confidence hadn't been smashed the first half of 2009-10, we might still be a Football League team.
Three more fail on their lack of popularity. Mike Jeffrey became scapegoat-in-chief before he'd kicked a ball. Darren Mansaram was the most booed man at Blundell Park (which, admittedly, like Parkinson, won him some sympathy). And no-one ever took to Iffy Onoura.
No case has been made with the nominations for Gary Liddell or Roger Willis. Liddell, I recall, featured in Sing When We're Fishing's 'Blundell Blunders' series, suggesting both uselessness and unpopularity. At least Barry Fry liked Willis.
And then there were two, and the only two players in the team with more than one nomination. Donk has been trying to get in players he had a weakness for: "That lad Digger Soames who played so well at Derby on Boxing Day when we won unexpectedly. I was there, you know." As Pete adds, that goal was the only thing he did in a Town shirt.
Lee Peacock is Charles's "painted man – a peacock indeed." He arrived with a multitude of good wishes but legs that had already gone. He "contributed just five goals and little else other than geeing up the fans by waving his arms or beating his chest", leaving Jack to conclude that "many were captivated by his effort and his tattoos but, ultimately, he was outshone by Rob Eagle".
The Cod Almighty Useless but Popular XI
| Paul Crichton | ||||
| Geoff Barker | Matt Bloomer | |||
| Bradley Wood | Ray Robson | |||
| Eddie Grant | Alan Pouton | |||
| Jamie Devitt | Steve Saunders | |||
| Lee Peacock | David Soames |
The Nominators Leaderboard
| Number of successful nominations | Nominators |
| Three | Neville Butt, Adam Deller |
| One | Jack Connor, Donk Dawson, Jem Halfpenny, Pete Hirst, Charles Lumley, Ashley Smith, Richard Whitehouse |
The next Theme Team: The 'Could have been a contender' XI
For our next Theme Team, we want you to break our hearts. Remind us of all those players who seemed set for a really bright career at Blundell Park, only for something to go wrong. It might be injury, it might be a row with the manager, it might be a failed contract negotiation, but all we were left with was the dream of what might have been.
Send your nominations for a 'Could have been a contender' XI no later than 15 November 2014. As you see, we have introduced a competitive element, so suggest as many players as you like. Your chances of success are greater if you include a line or two justifying their inclusion. Look forward to hearing from you.
All the quotes used in this article are from the people nominating the players under discussion.
Use feedback to comment on this article, nominate players for the 'Could have been a contender' XI or suggest themes for future teams.