Cod Almighty | Article
by Various
16 September 2008
With the race hotting up to replace Alan Buckley in the manager's hotseat, Cod Almighty steps forward to assist John Fenty's decision-making with a detailed assessment of the leading candidates. We look at the pros and cons of every name - and to save the chairman the trouble of visiting the web forums, we've included the anticipated messageboard nesbit's reaction to each one!*
*yes, we know not everyone who goes on messageboards is this thick - we're just having a laugh, innit
Peter Beagrie
Pros: Would get mentioned on the telly a lot
Cons: Would get mentioned on the telly a lot as we plummeted into non-League football
CA probability rating: 2/10
Messageboard nesbit's verdict: BOOOOOOSCUNNYSCUMBOOOOO BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!11!1!11!
Ivano Bonetti
Pros: Italian, and therefore an infallible football genius, right? Worshipped by Town fans after bizarre, dreamlike spell at Blundell Park in mid-1990s. Would be worth it just for the possibility of drawing Sheffield Wednesday in the cup and a rematch with Brian Laws. Our capitalist T-shirt department could shift a few more Ivano tees. Bonus!
Cons: Closely associated with shady lawyer Giovanni Di Stefano. Ran Dundee to within a whisker of bankruptcy. More questions than answers really... the more you think about that whole chucking cash in the bucket thing, the more dubious it seems
CA probability rating: 3/10
Messageboard nesbit's verdict: GYPPO
Dave Boylen
Pros: One, two, three... wahey
Cons: Out of the game for a considerable amount of time; no management experience; doubtful coaching experience; serious lack of contacts in football; would give instructions to the team through the Blundell Park tannoy system, while stood in the centre circle; anyone know the notice period for a local politician? Small
CA probability rating: 0/10
Messageboard nesbit's verdict: DWARF
Nigel Clough
Pros: Been at Burton Albion for ages so he knows the Conference inside out - could click his fingers and the best 11 players from the league would follow him to Blundell Park in the blink of an eye. Oh yes, no doubt about it, Buckley signed Dave Gilbert and John Cockerill, etc etc and so on, and the fact that most Conference clubs have since become full-time professional set-ups is neither here nor there. His dad was ace so he must be ace as well. Like Ben Futcher. Steady progress has turned the Brewers into genuine contenders for promotion to the Football League
Cons: Steady progress is for LOOSERS!!! Town's rightful place is in the Championship and we want it NEXT SEEASON at the LATEST!!!1!1! Oh, and something about he's always linked with the Town job every single time it comes up without fail and has never expressed the vaguest flicker of interest
CA probability rating: 3/10
Messageboard nesbit's verdict: GAY
John Cockerill
Pros: In his entire career as Town manager, only lost two games
Cons: In his entire career as Town manager, only managed two games
CA probability rating: 1/10
Messageboard nesbit's verdict: COCKERS SAID HE WONTED THE JOB
John Deehan
Pros: Experience higher up the leagues as manager of Norwich and Wigan. Extensive network of contacts. Talked a good game in the Grimsby Telegraph the other day, displaying knowledge of Town's recent history and a willingness to give youth its head
Cons: Unimpressive recent record lower down the leagues as director of football with Lincoln
CA probability rating: 4/10
Messageboard nesbit's verdict: BOOOOO MANADGED THE YORKIES AT LINCON
Steve Evans
Pros: Would suddenly be able to sign players that we previously thought were beyond our wage budget. Chance of promotion "at any cost"
Cons: Liable to suffer triple relegation and fraud investigation. Stationery cupboard would need constantly refilling with brown envelopes. Tactical flexibility may be hampered by tendency to get thrown out of Blundell Park midway through the second half
CA probability rating: 3/10
Messageboard nesbit's verdict: ITS JUST POLITICIAL CORRECTNESS WE CUD PUT HITTLER IN CHARGE I DONT MIND IF HE GETS RESULTS
John Fenty
Pros: Passionate about the club and a loyal supporter since childhood. Doesn't like paying fees to greedy agents. Likely to get what he wants when negotiating wages and transfer fees with the board
Cons: May forget to sign players, take coaching or select team, in blinkered obsession with getting a grey, depressing plastic box built just off the A180
CA probability rating: 9/10
Messageboard nesbit's verdict: SAK THE BORD
Paul Groves
Pros: Cut his teeth in management at a higher level with a tiny budget in comparison to other teams. Sure to have picked up further coaching and management skills during his time at Portsmouth
Cons: Built a good squad but somehow lost the players and also a lot of fans hate him because, well, because, it's like this, it's because, well. Um. Yeah, booo Groves, you're shit
CA probability rating: 3/10
Messageboard nesbit's verdict: FUCK OFF BACK TO WALLSALL
Ian Holloway
Pros: Failure at Leicester has not notably tainted an impressive record in the Football League. Known and respected throughout English football (although perhaps a bit less respected by Plymouth fans). Eccentricity sure to achieve him cult hero status in Grimsby
Cons: Unlikely to need to lower himself this far to get back into work. Based in the south-west, so may develop back problems during commute. Sounds like a yokel. Eccentricity sure to turn him from cult hero to CLULESS BALD CLOWN CUNT!!!!11!!1! as soon as he loses a couple of games
CA probability rating: 2/10
Messageboard nesbit's verdict: LOL SHEEPSHAGGER LOL
Kevin Keegan
Pros: Successful stints at clubs at different levels within the Football League. Would attract top-class players to Blundell Park. Used to telling players in black and white stripes what to do. Attack-based approach would appease fans who don't agree with 'playing it tight'. If things went wrong, would walk out, saving Fenty the difficult job of "relieving him of his duties"
Cons: Liable to walk out at the merest sneeze. Wears baggy trackie bottoms. Still has ridiculous hair
CA probability rating: 0/10
Messageboard nesbit's verdict: BOOOOOOSCUNNYSCUMBOOOOO BOOOOOO- OH ITS NOT BEAGRIE OH OK THEN
George Kerr
Pros: Positive and lengthy coverage on Radio Humberside. It'd be a laugh wouldn't it, if nothing else?
Cons: Empty drinks cabinet; incomprehensible after-match interviews; baffling formations that use more or less than 11 players; post-match would start dissing the manager on air before someone reminds him he's the manager
CA probability rating: 0/10
Messageboard nesbit's verdict: JOCK CUNT SAMEAS ADNY MURRY
Sir John McDermott
Pros: Loyal servant of the club through thick and thin. Knows how the club operates and has some coaching experience. Has strong ties in the area
Cons: Aside from the usual issues, he's got two sets of twins, and could be prone to falling asleep on the bench during the less interesting periods of play. Lives near Hull, so club would need to seek "toll charges sponsor"
CA probability rating: 6/10
Messageboard nesbit's verdict: LEDGEND
Mike Newell
Pros: Bright as a button, well connected, moulded Luton into a shit-hot team on limited funds. Blew the whistle on dodgy dealings with agents, so a man of morals, which John Fenty will connect with. Had a useful stint at Hartlepool as well, leading them to promotion in his only season at Victoria Park
Cons: Morality compromised by being a massive sexist. Bit monotone when he talks
CA probability rating: 5/10
Messageboard nesbit's verdict: SINE HIM UP FENTY COS THE PC BRIGADE WONT LIKE HIM!!!!11!!!!111!!!!1!!11!!
Richard O'Kelly
Pros: Highly rated as a coach, with solid record at Doncaster and several other clubs. Experience as a player with GTFC. Connected with Alan Buckley, most successful manager Town have ever had
Cons: Success as a coach and assistant manager does not always lead to success as a manager. Connected with Alan Buckley, most successful manager Town have ever had
CA probability rating: 4/10
Messageboard nesbit's verdict: BALD
Andy Ritchie
Pros: Likes his teams to play with "fire in their bellies". Definitely wants the job
Cons: Indifferent record as a manager with all three clubs: Oldham, Barnsley and Huddersfield. Likes Phil Jevons. Definitely wants the job, but can't actually be arsed to apply for it
CA probability rating: 5/10
Messageboard nesbit's verdict: ER... ERRR... HEY BUCKLEYS ON THE DOLE LOL
Stuart Watkiss
Pros: Knowledge of current squad a huge asset given limited opportunities to sign new players after closure of transfer window. Hardly to blame for relegation at Kidderminster, where squad was devastated by savage budget cuts. Excellent record at Mansfield, with promotion and many players brought through from the youth team to the first team and successful careers higher up the league
Cons: One of the assistant managers who Town fans regularly decide they would like to see violently disembowelled for no real reason at all (see also: Rodger, Graham)
CA probability rating: 8/10
Messageboard nesbit's verdict: CHEAP OPTION AGANE FENTY BOOOO, CHEAP OPTION CHEAP OPTION NO OF CORSE I DUNNO HOW MUCH HE GETS PAID BUT HES THE CHEAP OPTION
Justin Whittle
Pros: Could pin up pictures of Shearer's bloody lip on the dressing room wall to instil an atmosphere of fear among the players. Army regime would mean squad was always at peak of fitness, clean shaven, and have well shiny shoes
Cons: Would build a team skilled in elbows and headers but unable to pass the ball five yards
CA probability rating: 5/10
Messageboard nesbit's verdict: HOOF
Paul Wilkinson
Pros: Said to be performing well as reserve team manager at Cardiff. Attained martyr status among GTFC faithful after losing similar role at BP amid ITV Digital cutbacks. Successful career as Town player, local born and bred, cut him and he bleeds fish, blah blah blah.
Cons: You do remember that moustache, right?
CA probability rating: 4/10
Messageboard nesbit's verdict: WILKO AND LENNY LORRENCE TOOK US TOP OF THE LEAGE!!!!!!!!1!!!!11!!
Dean Windass
Pros: He was and still is a legend as a footballer
Cons: He was and still is a legend as a footballer for Hull City
CA probability rating: 2/10
Messageboard nesbit's verdict: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRKIECUNTSCUMCUNT PETERSUTCLIFFFISHANDCHIPSBOOMBANGABANG DOESNOTCOMPUTEDOESNOTCOMPUTE SCUMCUNTYORKIEFUCKBOOOOWHERESMYMUMMY