Cod Almighty | Diary

It's transfer deadline day and we are breathless with anticipation or something

9 August 2018

Devon Diary writes: The transfer window is literally slamming shut today and we need one/two/three/four more players. Deffo a striker, and a winger or two and probably a wing-back. How many keepers do we have? Is Wazza still here? Lincoln? What? Sakes! Get in! What a fantastic signing [insert name here] is! Just the right kind of player we need at Town, even though I haven't seen him play or really even heard of him before, not even on FIFA, but you know, I know he's going to be ace and so I'm lumping on us for promotion. Again. Well, I know I said we needed a proven 20-goals-a-season striker but I'm happy that we've gone for a total unknown. Anyone who's been keeping an eye on the Evostik/Scottish second division/Burnley under-23s [delete as applicable] will know what a prospect he is. In Jolley we trust. Hashtag. Baller! Of course this means that Jolley will need to play [insert formation I use on FM here] to accommodate him and we all know that [insert name of scapegoat here] isn't really a wing-back. This means that we'll be shipping [insert names of one or two current squad members who signed only recently here] off to Scarborough or Grantham but they're ones for the future. You could tell from that video of pre-season that they weren't up to it but look at Clifton and Wright – it worked for them. What? Fuck him! If he doesn't want to come here then we don't want him here. Yeah, I know I said we wanted him and that he was the missing piece of the puzzle but that was yesterday and today is today and we can do better. He's never a League Two player anyway. Does anyone know if these letters come off the shirt? That #ITK account on Twitter is bollocks isn't it? It's a parody! Oo, look, he's linked us with someone playing in Sweden, maybe he's right after all. Jolley will know him from there. It's a small world, right? Shut up! We need to back the manager and give him time, don't you think? One game doesn't make a season so get off his back. He can fuck right off if he starts [insert name of scapegoat here] at [insert position here] again though. It's evolution not revolution. I think we'll all settle for mid-table after last season. Six games and you're out though, right? We're a big club and should be smashing these. They only beat us because they spent more money on better players. It's not sustainable though, is it? Come on, Mr Chairman – put your hand in your pocket! Always penny-pinching. Fucking embarrassing that Cheltenham have signed more than us. No ambition. But at least we're not signing players we had in non-League that clearly aren't good enough for this level. Ipswich are fucked, same as Shrewsbury were. Who's that pulling into McDonalds? Mansfield have signed another striker! They don't need all of them, surely!!!