Plastics: the only way up is to stay down

Cod Almighty | Article

by Bored Member

18 January 2019

Blundell Park is under threat from the scourge of the fair weather fan. Stern measures are needed.

It was recently brought to the attention of the board that a local amateur club had seen their average attendance rise from 2500 to 8500, a figure of 6000 per cent for those of you not good at sums. What a dreadful situation. Over run by plastic "supporters" or "plastics" for short. Matchday parking has become a nightmare, there are long queues for the burger van, the commercial people haven't got a minute for a cuppa and players' win bonuses have rocketed. All because the club weren't prepared when the team won a few games. As I said, amateurs.

Your club has always guarded against such scenarios by treating success with aloof arrogance. It hasn't been easy or by chance that attendances at GTFC are crap. 1998 and 2016 were the proudest moments in our recent history. Not by what we did on the pitch but our attitude off it and by basing our ensuing business plans on a solid feeling of entitlement. Being Back Where We Belong was core to our strategy of ignoring the plastic fair weather fans that had artificially inflated our Wembley attendances and keeping them as just that: fair weather Charlies (and Charlenes for the PC brigade). Those poor saps down the road have made the huge mistake of harnessing the winning formula on the pitch with a matching strategy for success of it.

So why am I writing to you fishes now? Well, no one seems to notice but last Saturday was our third defeat in a row. Without scoring a goal. In this light, there wasn't nearly enough booing. Worse still, a quick scan of The Fishy found posts expressing patience. Social media is still full of #JolleyweTrust hashtags. A search for #GTFC, "stealing a wage" returns no results on Twitter (for the last three months).

Town fans should bleed haddock, not plastic. Although haddock may bleed plastic

I am concerned that we may be under threat again soon, as in 1998 and 2016. Serious measures have been taken in the past to stem such enthusiasm; Dismantling a team of heroes and letting a 37-goal striker leave. Keeping the Main Stand bogs a mess. Appointing Russell Slade. Twice. To ensure we don't have to resort to such drastic tactics again and to assuage real supporters' fears over plastics, we entered into a period of consultation with Gaz Mariner, Fishtits543638 from the Electronic Fishcake and the bloke from the Mariners Trust whose name I can never remember.

It has been decided that if you cut a Town fan open he (or she, the bloody PC brigade there again, promoting the cutting of women) should bleed haddock, not plastic (although if you cut the haddock open, you may find those little plastic beads that were in facial scrubs that fish are eating thinking they are food.) To ensure this is the case, the following simple criteria for ticket sales has been put in place with immediate effect.

Supporters wishing to purchase match tickets must provide physical evidence in the form of dated pictures entering the ground of a minimum of 40 games* a season since the age of four**. (The pictures must be signed by witnesses like the local plod or a doctor as you get your passport renewed).

*This is reduced to 5 games during a season or part thereof managed by Russell Slade or Nicky Law
**This age can be raised to six on production of a written note from your skipper of choice - Joe Waters, Paul Groves or Craig Disley - explaining what the hell you were doing for the missing two years

Any three of the following supplemental criteria must also be met:
• You must be on first name terms with one of the 75 people at the Lincs Cup game who saw Futch score his only goal for Town, or the blokes that went on the pitch when Chima scored at Tranmere.
• Been a regular at Nigel Batch's pub
• Had your hair done by Nathan Arnold but played it cool without letting him know that you are a Town fan.
• Been on the piss with a player after a game (Galli doesn't count, everyone in NE Lincs has, he’s like the Kevin Bacon of boozing)

Exiles of course can still post their hashtags or run fanzines and such and will still be welcome at Wembley finals to give the Telegraph some "LOOK AT THESE MARVELLOUS MARINERS FLYING IN FROM YORKSHIRE FOR THE BIG GAME" type filler. They will have to wear a specially designed hat identifying them as such so real supporters don't have to talk to them or help them identify the players.

Real supporters should be vigilant. Local plastics trying to sneak in to Blundell Park will be common and novelty fans are also a threat at all times. No one could fail to be charmed by the tale of a Korean whose Google search for porn led him to John Cockerill's goal v Huddersfield and basing his whole life around supporting Town. However, DONT BE FOOLED. There is no place at BP for him and his ilk. If you see Jung-Wook, be sure to tell him this. Of course we are a community club but that community ends at the MacDonalds A180 roundabout.

Any contravention of the above should be reported to the stadium manager for swift correction.

Front page image: "plastics pollution" by pennstatenews is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0 (cropped)