Cod Almighty | Diary
Avoiding all human contact
19 March 2020
Well hello. BOTB-Diary here. I've been in self-isolation for over a week now, avoiding all forms of human contact whenever possible. Nothing to do with coronovirus – I just think you're all a bunch of wankers.
Now, I don’t know who was tasked with writing the Cod Almighty diary on 3 September 1939, but I know how he or she must have felt. Yes, we may have declared war on Germany, but what's the injury situation for the Wolves’ match? Sometimes, in the 100-metre sprint of our minds, football is overtaken by world events. And this is the Usain Bolt of world events. Actually, scrub that. This is the Alan Wells of world events. Incongruous, slightly suspicious, and hopefully soon to disappear from the public's consciousness. Like this metaphor.
Podcasts. That’s what I came to talk to you about. You'll probably have a lot of free time in the weeks to come, so why not listen to a football podcast? Here are three you probably know about already.
Athletico Mince
Presented by the comedy genius Bob Mortimer and a fat bloke from Sunderland with no talent, this is not only the best football podcast, but the best podcast full stop. Says me. Mortimer goes through a surreal smorgasboard of comedy football impressions (including a dour Peter Beardsley, an unhinged Jordan Henderson and a prissy Harry Kane with a magic chin) placing them in bizarre comedy sketches and songs that are consistently amusing and unpredictable. Plus Barry Homeowner, Scottish Ballads and the crime-related adventures of nonsense potter Neil Hunt. It's my hair island, you daft Rodney Plonker! See, if you listened, you'd know what I was talking about.
To be fair, the fat bloke does a good Roy Hodgson. Waughamer!"
Lineker and Baker Behind Closed Doors
On seeing that Danny Baker and Gary Lineker are presenting a podcast you may assume that Baker will be the brilliant broadcasting organ grinder and Lineker the worthy-but-dull monkey. However, it is Lineker who provides most of the fascinating insights whereas Baker still seems stuck in the nineties, rehashing old question like "Did you ever manage to smuggle a pie into a ground?" or "Have you ever played football with a thing that is round but isn't a football and clearly isn't suitable for use as a football?" 6-0-6 has gone, Danny. Nonetheless it is an always entertaining listen, though you have to forget the controversy that Baker was involved in vis-a-vis the Royal Family. Indeed, I've just realised that my choice of organ grinder and monkey was perhaps not ideal.
Look, just forget I've said anything about anything. Move on to the next one. Which is...
Quickly Kevin, will he score?
Less to be said about this one. It tackles topics from nineties football in ridiculous detail and has an irreverent breezy air that is part nostalgia and part hip-and-happening comedy. Josh Widdicombe is pleasant and entertaining enough, and he is teamed by two unremarkable but thankfully bearable co-hosts who I will call Dave and Pete, because I can’t be bothered to look up their names. (If you listen, you’ll hear what I mean.) The episode with James Acaster discussing John Sitton’s famous Orient half-time team talk is a Desert Island Podcast if ever there was one. QKWHS is patchier than the others, mainly due to an inconsistent guest list, but still recommended.
There. I managed to forget about Coronavirus for two minutes. Well done me. Do you think they'll ever realise that you can't actually stop the world? See ya.