Cod Almighty | Diary

Piers Morgan's journey to a TV studio is the most non-essential trip on the planet

2 April 2020

Bottom-of-the-barrel Diary writes: With football seeming a distant, nostalgic memory, like Swisskit or Spit the Dog, many people have found a new way to scratch the sporting itch.

I’m talking, of course, about competitive staying in.

During lockdown, some of my Facebook "friends" are using their free time to boast of their astonishing achievements of self-isolation. One claimed to have not left his house since 2 March. Many are proudly proclaiming that their cars have sat on their drives untouched for the last fortnight. They talk proudly of their one exercise session a day being between 9.00-9.10 every day, after which they lock themselves in a broom cupboard and think pure thoughts. Very worthy, of course, and doubtless these people will save up to a million lives each with their heroism.

Except, it is of course, bollocks. The absolutely crucial things in this pandemic are to avoid other people, avoid touching surfaces that other people touch, and, if you must go around fondling things, to wash your hands frequently. Logically this means that if someone were to drive to a remote location nearby and have a 10 mile walk by themselves, then go home, drive to another nearby location and have another 10 mile walk by themselves, they would be breaking all sorts of rules but posing no threat to anyone. Whereas someone who lives in a city but walks up their road to a supermarket and buys their daily groceries – only if they only stay outside the house for 15 minutes - will be breaking no rules but potentially spreading viruses everywhere.

The government – and I can hardly believe I’m defending this particular government – got a lot of stick for not making lockdown rules clearer. This, I think, was because they actually believed that people were sensible enough to realise what was needed and expected of them. They believed that a newly empowered police force would use common sense and not turn into a Happyshopper Stasi the moment they were set free with a new rulebook. Many football fans who remember policing techniques in the 1970s and 1980s know that they were often unhelpful and counterproductive. The police have generally – generally – evolved into a kinder better species since then, but every now and then out pops the cloven hoof.

And while I’m here I might as well mention Piers Morgan, ranting on about people making non-essential journeys and trying to shame those who do. Assuming he doesn't live in a TV studio, the journey from his house to the newsdesk strikes me as the most non-essential trip on the planet, since most people can cope perfectly well without a daily dose of arsehole.

Lockdown rules cannot be one size fits all. If I lived in the middle of London it would be very difficult for me to walk around the block without coming into contact with lots of other people doing the same thing. If I lived in a farmhouse I could walk for miles without seeing a soul. Some of us have to look after, and shop for, elderly parents and friends. Some of us have the luxury of a full freezer and no dependents. Some have gardens. Some live in flats. Some wear pyjamas. Some wear hats. Oh hang on, no, that's Dr Seuss.

The point is, everyone should be doing their very best to stay six feet from others, wash their hands and help out those weaker than themselves who are truly struggling. Stay safe and stay sensible! The lockdown is already causing severe economic and mental health problems and these will only get worse with each passing day. Strict enforcement of a rulebook that is largely irrelevant to the problem will help nobody. So, go on. Have two walks a day in a field miles from anywhere. Viva la revolution.