Cod Almighty | Match Stats

Saturday 19 September 2020

Division 4

Grimsby Town 0

Salford City 4 Henderson (32 pen, 63 pen, 76) Towell (90+3 pen)

Attendance: 0 (0 away fans)

I never knew the old iFollow before the Covid war, going to games suited me better. After an unexpected invitation to a treat, here we are in our virtual Pontoon: seats 2m apart, no touching, no mingling, social bubble check list complete. On with the show.

Buffering and muttering ahoy? Unfortunately, the picture was perfect and uninterrupted. What have we done to deserve this?

Town. What are we, what is this? A youth team sent to Brigg with a couple of flagging fringe players. Which is which and who is who? Town are just so darn small.

Off we go with a hump and lump and many a grump. What a silly chump who purses his lips and whistles; that's the thing as he succumbed to the siren shrieks from Salford. Whining and diving, chips and sloppy drops, tiny Town in a tizz.

Off Edwards fizzed, and Salford scoffed off the line. Green ducked, Hladky plucked and Green cycled as moments occurred. A hatful of hollow followed and hapless Hewitt hopelessly dozed and poked. A penalty. A goal.

Off Williams whizzed and gently lobbed. A Vanity Projector ambled the ball away from the line.

A half of nothing. A series of show reel moments and a Hewitt horror show. This Town are weeds ripe for plucking.

And the soufflé collapsed.

Is Tilley so silly for avoiding human contact in a pandemic? The ephemeral butterfly of love was crushed as Montel Gibson, late night chat show host, came on live and exclusive and offside.

Dithering in defence, and Öhman kicked a day-tripper out for a goal kick: a penalty avoided. A cross, an Öhman nudge and a goal kick became a penalty for Hewitt's invisible hanging chad. Goal. Bring on the chocolate muffins.

On came Mohsni the Assassin, a sentimental mercenary in a free fire zone. He was seen to move once, though that may have been an optical illusion as the shadows lengthened on this long, long season of shame.
There is nothing, just small boys wilting. Öhman slept, McKeown star-fished, Henderson grazed in from four yards. Fancy a cheese nibble?

Öhman headed against the keeper's ankles, Öhman wrestled with his unconscious and dried himself on handy Towell. Red card, penalty, a flattering fourth and the end of summer, and Town's age of innocence.

Excuses or explanations? Impressions or incandescence?

Salford were nothing special, nothing of note, just bog standard, organised and adequate. Town were a first year academy side, thrown together and dismantled by athletic men. Boys will be boys. You can't blame them.

Town are in short-term turmoil because of decisions made by management. Time will tell whether this is ITV Digital redux.

In summary? Nervous novices and a handful of old hacks, this Town are just weedy. Late to return, late to sign, to train, late to everything. Who could have possibly foreseen this?

The new boys in town
Duncan Idehen - a languidly graceful mover with a hint of Simon Ford. Apart from one header lost through passivity he played very well.
George Williams - anonymous in open play, appallingly wimpish at set pieces. A featherweight.
Terry Taylor – wasn't he a minor character in Minder? A one-paced stroller and roller with no heft.
Owura Edwards - Dembele's very little brother, a tremendous twister with the ball but without the substance.
Bilal Mohsni – his hair moved more than his legs, but don't say that to his face.
Montel Gibson – tried hard not be offside and eventually succeeded.

Tony Butcher

The crestfallen Confucius of Cleethorpes was confused. At the last minute he'd managed to hire a cheap charabanc for his special kids outing to the seaside and it had collapsed at the first corner.

"I didn't like us after we let a goal in. Things stopped, and then our inexperience showed, and I was as perplexed as anyone in the ground, and there aren't many of us, but I don't know what the second penalty was for."

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In contrast to his team's demeanour on the pitch, the old Blandford Parker was dignified, honest and impressive with his verbal chisel:

"It was a bitty game and one of those games where, if you do the basics well, you get through with your discipline and your experience."

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