The Diary

Cod Almighty | Diary

Victory Egg

24 February 2021

After last week’s BOTB diary, a friend sent me this simple message:

"U ok hun?"

Which made me think that I was possibly overdoing the woe and underdoing the hearty cheerful optimism. In my defence, my beloved Mighties weren't exactly giving me much cause for the latter. But, last night, we went and won a match and I'm not even joking. It's been so long since I wrote a diary that followed a victory I'm not sure quite how to react. I feel like Charles Dickens suddenly being told that poverty and inequality have been eliminated. That's great news, but what am I going to write about now?

For those of you - and I know there are literally thousands- who like to avoid BBC News, internet message boards, Sky, newspapers, friends, family and all other forms of media and communication, in favour of finding out the result from the next day's CA diary - we crept past Crawley 2-1 with goals from Phil Murray (Anglicised) and Adams. Phil's goal will probably be remembered as a goalkeeping error which is a shame, because it was a hell of a strike on a windy night and I wouldn't have liked to have faced it as a keeper. Mind you, I used to struggle with backpasses. In the warm up. From the mascot. Jolleyless Barrow chucked a bit of anti-freeze in the party punchbowl by beating serial dullards Oldham, but we are off the bottom of the league, at least until tonight. Rejoice, rejoice, rejoice.

This evening, plenty to pray for as main rivals in rottenness Southend (The Shrimpers) visit Forest Green Rovers ( The, er, Woodland Sprites? The Foresters? The Box of Fresh Veg Delivered Straight to your Door? The Trees?) and Mariners fans will be hoping the Trees - yes, let’s go with the Trees - find the back of the Shrimpers nets on several occasions. I'm Alan Partridge, and this is my Week in Sport.

Incidentally, although we have played the Trees many times in the last few years, I still don't know or care where they are located. Ask me and I'll just wave my hand in the general direction of the South West. That's enough, surely? We all know that when their owner gets a new hobby they will sink like a stone until they reach their correct level, which is whatever league Binbrook Town play in. But hopefully not until tomorrow at the earliest. Which reminds me, are Cheltenham still in the league? Let's have a look. Yes they are. How depressing.

Oh no! Colchester have sacked their manager. Why, for goodness' sake? I liked him. He was doing a great job.

Crawley manager John Yems (Yems? Really? Yems?) didn't like our style of play, which, according to him, was all about the long throw. "If they are happy winning playing like that, good luck to them" he said, while sucking a sour grape so large it might well have actually been a lemon. For your information, Mr Yems (Yems?) we are quite happy winning playing like that, or like anything. I don't know if you've noticed, but we're in the shit. The difference is that in a few years we'll be out of the shit and you'll be playing Binbrook Town, Cheltenham and the Trees in the Cillit Bang Second Division (south). You know, these lemons are really rather nice. I could suck on one all day. No wonder Mr Yems (Yems?!? That can't be right) has taken such a liking to them.

What's happening in the National League? Chaos. They shouldn't have started the season, and they shouldn't be finishing it. We deserve to go down - let's be honest, even in last night's victory we were pretty bad and a wee bit lucky - and if we do get flushed down the tubes we'll be entering a dark and lawless underworld where only the solvent survive. This isn't the place for an in-depth examination, but it is hard to imagine how things will get back on an even keel down there. Expect the courts to become involved.

So, in answer to my friend's query, yes, I am OK. Ish. You know, we won. Spring. Vaccinations. You know. OK. Here's a gif showing how OK I am, hun. You may have seen it before