Cod Almighty | Diary

Do I dump my old friend?

11 March 2021

Dear Marge,

I have an elderly friend who has been in my life for much of the last 50 years. Due to the pandemic I haven't seen them for a year now which has prompted me to write. We've kept in touch virtually but it's not the same. In some ways it's easier because it takes less planning and is cheaper than travelling but my frustration with them is still there. To be fair, I had become very fed up of our reunions before the pandemic struck. Our get togethers were often stressful and left me with a feeling of being let down and "here we go again". I never felt appreciated or considered. I paid for everything, outings for which they promised to "pay me back" but they have repeatedly let me down.

My friend hasn't looked after themselves for the last 20 years or so. It's tough to see how shabby they have become and how little pride they take in themselves. They have surrounded themselves with people who just see them as a means to an end, a bit of prestige rubbing off from their former glory. They sweep incidents such as the casual racism of another friend under the carpet and still hang out with these people. I'm not comfortable with it.

There have been odd moments when I was glad I'd made the effort but in the last 20 years I've been left feeling let down, sad that they have fallen so low, frustrated that it has come to this.

We're expecting the lockdown restrictions to lift at some point in the next few months. Should I cut my losses and dump my friend for my own mental health?

Disgruntled Trentside.

Dear Disgruntled Trentside, (Is anyone ever gruntled?),

It's tough when friends drift apart but you haven't drifted to a point where you're comfortable cutting the ties that bind you. My first thought would be that your friend has taken a different path to you and maybe you should just let that continue. But then I would remind you that good friends are crucial for our physical and mental well-being. These relationships aren't always smooth sailing.

From your letter you appear to feel ignored and undervalued. Your needs aren't real to your friend, somehow. Even when you show up for them, they don't appreciate you. I'm not trying to convince you that your friend is bad. I'm just trying to describe how it feels to stay committed to someone who isn't reciprocating and probably never will. If the friendship is broken, if you don't feel loved or respected, that's really all you need to know.

However, before making up your mind you need to consider if your friendship is salvageable. Are there changes that could be brought about that would transform the dynamic of your relationship? Are there people on the horizon who will influence your friend in positive ways? If there are, then there is hope. Think about what you want from the relationship in future. This isn't just a list of shiny things you want but what behaviours and values should be exhibited. If you can identify shared values, you're on the right track.

Give space and time for two flawed parties and you might just start to see the best in your old friend. Not only can shared values potentially make a friendship last, but they will influence your well-being in powerful ways. Hang in there! Old friendships are so important!

Marge.

UTM! Fenty Out!