Match stats: Eastleigh v Grimsby

Cod Almighty | Match Stats

Sunday 15 May 2022

Conference Premier

Eastleigh 4 Whitehall (54), Smart (56), Hesketh (71), Barnett (90 pen)

Grimsby Town 4 Maguire-Drew (31), Dieseruvwe (44 pen, 60, 86)

Attendance: 3499 (556 away fans)

Cod Almighty man of the match: Emmanuel Dieseruvwe

What has Manny done to deserve this? It would be churlish to ignore the charms of Lennie III, the new Jammy Matt, the uber-Hooper on stilts. He scored a hat-trick, c'mon give this sucker an even break.

Our gaffer says

The Rotherham rambler knows that the secret to survivin' is knowin' what to throw away and knowin' what to keep. Changes?

"Why take a risk?"

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Their gaffer says

The chair of the Hampshire Mariners Fan Club was looking forward to promotion:

"Paul Hurst has done a good job there and hopefully they'll do well in the play offs… fingers crossed they can go and bounce back again."

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The second string beans were surprisingly sprightly, but then took Eastleigh far too lightly after half time.

Ebony and ivory, there's good and bad in every team. On the one hand Bramwell was solid and decisive; Maximum Wright perky until stuffed like a turkey; and Manny D ran off with The JJ Hooper Memorial Hat-trick Trophy.

And on the other, Jones the Sweep made grown men weep as, without calmer Giles, he performed interpretive dance as an ephemeral dead-headed daisy. Raikhy was dreadfully underpowered and Burgess was a fluttering butterfly of fading flimsiness.

You know, and here's the joke, in the end we realised that these foolish things really did go better with Coke.


A bit of oomph was all it took for the shy reserves of Town to get all shook up. Their two subs woke them up, but lastly and leastly this Eastleigh were not beastly, being intrinsically feeble at the rear. They were only playing Town's B-team of used-to-bes, could-bes, and definitely won’t-be-here-tomorrows.

Did it really matter at all?

I'm sure they're happy enough for it all to end.

Grimsby 'til I die... or cry?

Let’s make it snappy, we were all demob happy-clappy.

Official warning

Mr G Rhodes

Clearly a man with a table booked for six o’clock at Pizza Express. No fuss, no favour, no messing about, job done. He'll be celebrating with extra pepperoni and garlic dough balls tonight: 7.51

Readers' digest

Milling about filling space and time with career-killing thrills and spills.

In a word: trifling


Eastleigh: Flitney; Camp, Bragg (Smart 46), Hollands, Wilson, Boyce, Harper, Yang, Hesketh (Hill 85), Barnett, Simpson (Whitehall 46)

Subs not used: Smith, Pitman

Booked: Flitney, Yang

Town: Battersby; Cropper, Pearson, Bramwell, Crookes, Jones, Coke (Raikhy 46), Wright (Tomlinson 87), Maguire-Drew (Abrahams 63), Dieseruvwe

Subs not used: Khouri, Braithwaite

Booked: Cropper, Pearson, Raikhy