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2003-04 season index
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Tips for 27-28 September
Last week's tips were awful and for that I apologise. The tips themselves were alright I suppose, I made a profit and made it three consecutive wins over Coco since I returned from Kenya. But the normally chatty text that accompanies the tips was rubbish! In fact it was described as understated by a fellow CA contributor. I will try to make up for it this week.
Perhaps I should tell a joke. Actually, on the subject of jokes, if anyone knows
the body of the joke to which "Nuts, screws and bolts" is the punchline I would
be most grateful if they could let me know what it is. Either send it in using
the feedback form or mail
me using the address which can be found under my profile on the contributors
page. I think it is along similar lines to the joke where the panda goes to
the whore. Having said I should maybe inject some humour at this stage I am unable
to think of a joke. Bugger.
Perhaps this is due to the fact that I am writing these tips earlier than I would
normally. Tips are one of those things I like to do while hungover on a Friday
morning at work. But tomorrow I have to go on a training course to learn how to
use our new internal configuration management system (yawn!). Which is a shame
because I will be really hungover as tonight there is a company bash on, complete
with free bar from 5pm and apparently it is "available till the limit runs out"
which for our place probably means 5.10pm. But free beer is free beer and it comes
with free food too so that's not bad. It's basically an excuse to get utterly
wrecked and pretend we did some good work and delivered some software on time.
I think.
I still can't think of a joke. I keep thinking of limericks instead, my favourite being the one about the particularly well-endowed man from Nantucket. I will have a good joke for you by the end of the column, I promise.
Before I get on to the tips (loads more waffle than last week, eh?) I thought
I ought to acknowledge the feedback we at CA got about this weekly betting series.
I forget who it was from and while I could dig back through my e-mails and find
out I can't really be arsed. Sorry. Anyway, we were told that the tips were interesting
reading but the reader in question couldn't find anywhere that explained what
I meant when I said the bets were perm 3 from 5. I haven't searched the tipping
archives to verify whether or not I do tell you what I mean or not so I shall
do so again. Briefly. The teams are divided into groups of five. I then back these
teams in a series of trebles (all three named teams must win for the bet to be
a winner). If you do the maths you will find there are 10 ways of combining three
teams given a set of five to pick from. That is there are 10 permutations, which
is where the perm bit of the bet comes from. The numbers are the number of teams
in each bet (three) and the total number of teams in the set (five). If this all
still seems like a load of nonsense then be patient. When I can summon up the
arsedness I will write a beginners' guide to betting (as I promised I would at
the end of last season) that covers how to back these tips in a high street bookmakers
and for you technophiles I will cover betting online too. I may even do a review
of the main online bookies too, we'll see. If there is anything in particular
related to betting that you would like to see me cover, let me know at the usual
address.
Cor, that was a long introductory bit before I even get to the teams I am backing this week. Wastes a few more minutes of your time at work reading it and my time at work writing it though, eh? Here's this week's teams to back. Mine on the left and Coco's on the right as always. The emboldened team is the one to back, but where both are in bold Coco is backing the draw. I'm sure you know the drill by now.
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Mat |
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Coco |
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Chelsea v Aston Villa
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(819)
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3/10
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Accrington S v Woking
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9/4
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Leicester v Man Utd
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(-1213)
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4/9
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Wimbledon v Burnley
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6/4
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Arsenal v Newcastle
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(824)
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1/2
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Yeovil v Torquay
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4/5
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Nottm Forest v Derby
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(788)
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4/6
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Man City v Tottenham
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8/11
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Bradford v Sheffield Utd
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(-725)
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6/5
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Cardiff v Crewe
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4/6
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Port Vale v Wycombe
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(545)
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4/7
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Coventry v Wigan
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6/4
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Scunthorpe v Southend
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(840)
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8/13
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Exeter v Scarborough
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8/11
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Morecambe v Farnborough
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(1195)
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2/5
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Rangers v Dundee
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1/8
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Hereford v Gravesend
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(687)
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4/9
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Rotherham v Gillingham
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11/8
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Stevenage v Leigh RMI
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(544)
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8/13
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Nottm Forest v Derby
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7/2
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Chester v Telford
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(1068)
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1/2
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West Brom v Stoke
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5/1
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Hibernian v Celtic
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(-1709)
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1/4
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Birmingham v Portsmouth
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5/2
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Rangers v Dundee
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(-1908)
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1/8
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Bradford v Sheffield Utd
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15/8
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Motherwell v Hearts
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(-616)
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11/8
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Hereford v Gravesend
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4/9
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Well well, Coco has turned traitor and decided to back the Wimbledon turncoats in their first game in their new Milton Keynes home. Personally I hope they lose that game, plus all the rest this season and the club mysteriously vanishes over the summer. That'll teach 'em. Oooh, little bit of politics there as Ben Elton would say. Coco has gone for a worrying number of home wins this week. He might actually make some money. I find it all rather worrying. Let's have a look at how much we could both make and how.
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Bet type
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Mat
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Stake
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Max return
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Coco
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Stake
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Max return
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Perm 3 from 5
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Chelsea, Nottm Forest, Scunthorpe, Stevenage & Rangers
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13p
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£4.02
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Accrington S/Woking, Man City, Exeter, Derby & Bradford
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13p
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£26.16
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Perm 3 from 5
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Man Utd, Sheffield Utd, Morecambe, Chester & Hearts
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22p
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£11.99
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Wimbledon, Cardiff, Rangers, Stoke & Hereford
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22p
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£25.62
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Perm 3 from 5
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Arsenal, Port Vale, Hereford, Celtic & Morecambe
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15p
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£4.40
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Yeovil, Coventry, Rotherham, Portsmouth & Rangers
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15p
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£15.75
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Potential return:
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£20.41
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£67.53
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Coco can only manage a return of a little over £67 if he gets all his desired results. It is still over three times what I can get back but much, much lower than his usual potential returns. Is the monkey getting sensible in his old age?
Townwatch time now. I was right last week, a storming home victory for the Mariners. This weekend doesn't look so good though. Sheffield Weds v Grimsby Town is rated at 239, a home win but not a nailed on cert. In fact my statistical analysis shows that result has only a 53.38% chance of happening, based on the accuracy thus far of my predicting method. So it's more likely to happen than not. But let's hope the Mariners pick up three more points from the perenially underachieving 'big' club.
I promised you a joke before the end didn't I? And the end is nigh, as many nutters with sandwich boards will tell you. So an eskimo is driving his snowmobile through the tundra when it coughs, splutters and finally gives up. He's stranded in the icy wastelands. So he calls out the local automotive repair company who send out a mechanic on a dogsled. A short while later the mechanic finds the isolated innuit and pops the bonnet open to take a look at the engine. "Aha," says the mechanic, "you've blown a seal." "No," replies the eskimo nervously, "it's just frost on my moustache."
Alright, it's not that good but it is better than the alternatives I came up with. What's E.T. short for? 'Cos he's only got little legs. Or a dyslexic man walks into a bra. Or Frank Bruno has recently been approached as becoming the new manager of Tottenham Hotspur. Mr Bruno has rejected the offer, saying "I may be mad but I'm not stupid."
To see how my tips performed this week compared to Coco's click here
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