15 Jun 10: Codswallop vs the venezuelas
7 Oct 08: Codswallop teaches you right from wrong
12 Sep 06: Codswallop says respect your elders
15 May 05: Codswallop and the rivers of bloods
6 Mar 05: Codswallop's patience is a virtue
17 Nov 04: Codswallop's one for the ladies
16 Sep 04: Codswallop and the scales of justice
8 Jul 04: Codswallop: Giving it to you straight
Codswallop: Giving it to you straight
8 July 2004
Hello, and welcome to the very first Codswallop! I've been asked to write a regular column for Cod Almighty to bring a bit of the common touch, because people apparently think this website is a bit too high-faluting and BBC2 for your average Grimsby fan. I cannot disagree - after all, these big words that the students use mean sweet FA to the dockers and lumpers who make up the true heartbeat of the beating heart of the true town. And I didn't get where I am today by learning about spelling and all that, you know. That said, isn't it shocking, the teachers now, they don't teach the kids how to spell! The kids will never get anywhere like that.
Anyway, you can rest assured, readers, that Codswallop is a column for the man on the street. And woman on the street – I don't want the political correctness brigade on my back! In fact it's backs to the wall time when that lot are around!!
And when I say woman on the street I don't mean the sort you get around Riby Square! Whoops, that's not very PC of me either, is it! Not that Codswallop believes in sex discrimination, you understand. I'll take any kind I can get!!
Speaking of the fairer sex, it was good to see the Mariners bending over backwards to attract females to the Park last season, with the special 'Ladies Day' events for the games against Wrexham and Tranmere. There's bound to be some mileage in this, what with Macca's attractive tan, Tony Crane's superbly toned 'buns', and Graham Hockless's boyish smile... innocent yet infinitely alluring... mmmm... er... ah... Simon, can you edit that out please?
What a joy to see the plucky Greeks win Euro 2004, eh? I was rooting for them from the very start. Well, I'm not supporting England until an Englishman is in charge. Codswallop is no racist, you understand, but the England team should be run by an England man, not an Abba listener who lives in Ikea and drives a Volvo!!
Anyway, I've had a big soft spot for the Greeks ever since my good lady and I took a memorable holiday in Corfu in 2002. Until Becks' last-minute equaliser, I must admit, my tongue had started to run away with me a little, but in a bar filled with 200-odd of the natives it was only the half a dozen nearest to us who objected to my comments about their nation's personal hygiene and sexual preferences. To this day I have no idea how Mrs Codswallop eventually persuaded Constable Popadopalopapopoulos to leave the cell door unlocked, but I generously forgave the Greeks and cheered them all the way in Portugal.
Remaining with matters continental, Codswallop is alarmed to see Russell Slade throw in his lot with players of French foreignness. The thing with the French, you know, is they really hate the English. I'm not a racist, as I said earlier, and the likes of Monsieur Thierry Henry have certainly brought something new to the English game – and I don't just mean diving!!
But your average Grimsby fan on the street wants to see local lads turn out for the Town. Players who will give their all for the shirt! Jonathan Rowan, Darren Wrack, Danny Butterfield! Your Joe and Josephine Public won't turn out to see flash foreign imports. Take that Ivano Bonetti for instance. All right, so Town's attendances doubled when he was around, but at what cost? You don't hear the political correctness brigade mention chicken sandwiches, do you! Of course you don't – it's all lettuce leaves and lentils with that lot!!
Well, at the end of the day you've got to call it a day, so I'll quit while I'm ahead and say au revoir for now. Or just a hearty old English cheerio! If the French don't want to eat our cows then we don't want to consume their footballers. They really hate the English, you know. I'm not a racist or anything, but we should drop a big bomb on France. Only joking! We should drop two!!
Look out for more Codswallop later this summer! In the meantime you can email CA's new columnist at email@example.com.