Cod Almighty | Diary

Pulp Fiction

23 June 2025

I was just sitting there last night, eating my muffin, drinking my coffee, when I had what chocoholics refer to as a moment of clarity. The Italian national anthem is like Robert Baggio's hair – three mad things mangled into one magnificent whole. And it's perhaps the only national anthem that ends with a silent "Oi!"

Well, yeah, I woke up this morning and I was just sitting here, eating my melon, drinking my coffee wondering what the heck to waffle on about when I started to wonder about one of the many mysteries of this monochrome world. It's a riddle, wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.

He wakes up every morning with a smile upon his face, his natural exuberance spills out all over the place. But where will that place be? Ladies and gentlemen, we need to talk about what Samuel L Jackson would call The Charles Vernam Situation.

Various hints and accusations have dropped in and out of the social whirl seeking truth in a world of fiction. A reunion with his muse, the Wessex Pied Piper: was it true? What is truth? Did it not actually happen, or simply was there nothing to not happen? Was it all a dream?

I know yes, I know, Charlie Boy seems so very real to you and me and so did the story, after all it came out in an actual factual proper printed news outlet.

Truth or Fiction?

The Cleethorpes Columbo, mainstream mass media's man on the penalty spot Mr Matt Dean, confirmed exclusively to Cod Almighty on Twitter that there was something on this particular rocky road to Swindon. Ah, but what was it? Has Farmer Hollowman been dropping badgers on the side of the A46 again? Was it a deer caught in the headlights? Was it just a cat's shadow cast upon a dark folk memory?

Well, after all that cooing and throwing poses it just comes down to something very simple: the Wolds Panther can't live outside its natural habitat and is happy to leave prowling the County Ground to the Cotswold Cougar. Charles Vernam is still employed by Grimsby Town Football Club. If you are happy with that, then we are happy that you are happy in your world. Whether his whole future is as good as sealed is another matter.

If nowt's happening here yet, what's going off out there in the wild world of other teams sort of near us? Things, that's what. Does he need a photo opportunity, a shot at redemption? One time loan star Martin Paterson has emerged from behind the skirting board as Notts County's new manager. Tell Marty we always liked him, our future choi-oiking will be just business.

Anything else? Nope.

And so once again, we are left with a Mariners void, filled with a summer of snatched snaps of a small object scuttling across fields, through gardens and across the lonely lanes of Lincolnshire. Have you seen the Wolds Panther? Send Peter Levy your photos NOW!

Here comes the twist: the Wolds Panther don't exist. But the fixture list will do in just four days. Now that is a fact and life will begin again.