Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Friday 12 May 2006

12 May 2006

Weren't we supposed to be drinking sangria in the Park by now?

This is how life is meant to be:

9:00am: wake up with the players
9:30am: the Road to Wembley part 1: plucky plumbers versus battling brickies
9:45am: watch the players eat breakfast
10:00am: the Road to Wembley part 2: elusive electricians versus lower-league luddites
10:15am: Cup Final Mastermind
10:45am: watch the players walk around a pond
11am: Cup Final Question of Sport
11:30am: teams leave hotel
12:05pm: It's a Cup Final Knockout

Cup final day used to be the pinnacle, the acme, the centre of the universe. The world stopped to watch it all, including those unfunny funny bits with celebrity supporters. Heavy Bevvy Nevvy Southall was funny though, in 1986. Tarby's bar was rubbish; I never watched ITV's cheap aftershave version. What do we have now? It's just the spam and chutney in the fourth-division-play-off Tesco-value-range-white-bread sandwich. Doesn't that trip off the tongue like a Reddy run?

All in all that makes Lincoln versus Town It's a Knockout, doesn't it. How appropriate. Town on that bungee rope, slip-sliding away on their wet, greasy backside with the promotion bucket on their head. Endeavour to persevere: the game ain't over yet.

Oh yes, Deviant Diary returns from the depths of deepest darkest Lincolnshire for all the news that's fit to ignore. In a bit of reverse swing psychology that will bamboozle tail-end slogger Big Keef, sources close to Ran-tin-tin Russ have stated that Town will have a full squad to choose from. So that means they are all injured and Mystic Glen Downey will partner an unnamed trialist in central defence. Or maybe they are fit, or just some of them are? See, you're already as confused as a Confucian monk doing underwater sudoko.

The real team news is that they have players and so do we. Some have injures, some don't; and the managers will select eleven of them to start. Oooooooo, the tension. Curtis Woodhouse hasn't retired yet; his emphatic statement that the Northampton game would be his last has been lost in the mists of time, but who knows what tomorrow brings. Does he know they've closed off Ferrens Way to northbound traffic? Has he got £2.50 for the Humber Bridge? Will he ever manage to lift a corner over the first defender?

Lincoln are excited and are trying to spin three negatives into a positive. Such experience of play-offs. They're once... twice... three tiiiiiiiiiiiimes a failure. After last week's draw against Rochdale the Spumanti was as free-flowing as the goals on some day or other; can't really remember, can you? Maybe a video of Lincoln's presumptive celebrations will be all that's required to fire up Town. The flipchart didn't work, so perhaps a multimedia interactive presentation will do the trick. Where's the Powerpoint slide with that existential allegory depicting a stick man drowning in vat of apathy?

And finally, the fluffy kitten up a tree story. As a message of support, none will rally the Town troops more than this from Nathan from Humberston. He loves bacon, but will be in bed for the play-offs. That's what being a Town supporter is all about.

Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a Lumpy ride.