The Diary

Cod Almighty | Diary

There goes a supernova, what a pushover

1 June 2016

Wicklow Diary writes: Three goalkeepers in the squad for the Euros? Hursty wouldn't be having any of that. "For us keepers we're taking Joe Hart, and Shaun can cover if we're stuck."

I know FIFA and UEFA rules both state three goalkeepers must be included. It's a stupid rule. Change it – they're never used. The third goalie is the temperature gauge on car dashboards. The needle that never moves. I've revved the engine in the driveway on the sunniest days but that blighter just won't shift. No need for it.

When I was younger, two things filled me with fear: Andrews Liver Salts, and seeing the Australian fixtures in the Sunday papers. I'm not going to mention what the salts did, but the latter confirmed that the football season was over. Littlewoods had to look down under for games to fill the pools coupon. Each year I'd have a fruitless scan of the first week's fixtures for a Grimsby to show up. I recall maybe a Brighton and a Preston in among the Adelaides and Melbournes. My dad suggested I adopt the team with Newcastle in the name because of the black and white stripes. Harumph, as if. I'd just spent a season at school explaining that my Town shirt was not Newcastle. Where were the Central Coast Mariners when you needed them?

These days, football has a shorter close season, giving us less time to grumble about the cricket and debate for hours whether it is the 'close season' or the 'closed season'. This is a good thing, particularly when your team has returned to the League from a six-year exile and is champing at the bit. For once, thank you modern football.

The close/closed season may be shorter but that's no use when you're in it and you've a diary to write. This morning was spent in a panic scrambling around for subjects. Town news and events are plentiful during the season, albeit somewhat repetitive and cyclical in nature. After a while the subjects spin around your head like a verse from Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start the Fire'.

Disley, Pearson, Podge has got a new song
Hurst in, Hursts out, John Fenty foot-in-mouth
Tinpot, Tory twats, don't watch the Premiershits
Peaks Parkway, red socks, just build it on the bloody docks
Braintree, Boreham Wood, what would Alan Buckley do?
Good fans, crap fans, LINCSCUMBUMTITTY

Sorry, count yourself unlucky that I'm not one of the songwriter diarists. Worse still, I'm the one who listened to Frankie Goes To Hollywood when he could have been listening to the Smiths. Scheme those schemes.

So what's going on? Josh Venney has followed Craig Disley in accepting his contract offer. The list of players released shows that Paul Hurst doesn't mess about. He must believe Josh can contribute or he wouldn't be here. Seeing him and/or Harry Clifton become a fixture in a winning team would be a massive boost to the club on many levels.

We might be stuck for news but the club has no such problems with a selection of family-friendly items. First up, it's convicted rapist and wife/prostitute beater Mike Tyson with a Town shirt. Just like if you've got loadsamoney we don't care where it came from, if you're a big enough celebrity it's all gravy with us. Sorry Ched, come back to us when you are as famous/notorious as Iron Mike.

They've also got gambling advice. Did you know the league's sponsor is the place to bet on the Euros? You didn't? Well, get over to the official site and read all about it.

Really, how much do we get from guff like this? We're probably obliged to do it as it's written into some rubbish league contract or another. Similar to the rubbish non-League contract that had us moving fixtures to suit TV when the TV audience was less than the game attendance.

The Football League. Need a refresher course? Check out this end-of-season survey and the betting news item will make more sense. A survey? A chance for fan input, perhaps. Sort of. They get some profile info about you and who you think might win the Euros. Cute. Then they ask ten questions about sponsors and whether you think their products are any use. And that's it. Thank you for your input, consumer – we'll let you know if you win a free product in the draw.

At least we'll have John 'B Team' Fenty fighting our corner at his comeback Football League chairmen's/majority shareholders' meeting later this month. In Fenty's latest interview with the Telegraph he states his approach will be the one that has football in the mess it is now: start with the money and take it from there. "The main discussion point from the proposals for me is where the missing income is going to come from if our number of matches is reduced."

More bad news is the the threat to our stripes. Miss them on the back of our shirt? I certainly do. If the waterfall of nonsense from UEFA to the Premier League to "enforce squad number visibility" trickles down to the Football League we might be stuck with a big blank back permanently. Try not to consider what might happen if there is a threat to sponsor visibility.

The sun is shining: I should end on a brighter note. One thing in the club that never lets us down is the award-winning Mariner programme. Fresh from winning the title of best non-League programme, editor and gaffer Jack Johnson is recruiting fresh talent for an assault on the League crown.

It doesn't matter if you haven't written since school – get in touch with Jack and give it a go. He has a range of regular themes in mind for next season's programme but is open to any subject or topic on Town or your experiences supporting them. We've all got some great stories and perspectives that no-one else has, so get them down on paper.