Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Thursday 27 April 2006

27 April 2006

Macclesfield. Hardly any fans. No money. Finished 13 places above Town last season and nearly got promoted. Beat Town 3-1 at their place. Had Alan Fettis in goal, who had played pretty well in Nicky Law's abominably uncommitted Mariners team. And was better than Anthony Williams. Tipped by many for promotion this season. Had Clyde Wijnhard up front, who had rejected a move to Grimsby under Paul Groves. Were bottom of the league twice before Christmas and haven't been higher than 16th all season. Are two points above the relegation zone with two games left, but have a very strong home record this season. Are at home to GTFC this Saturday. Have got seven players with fitness problems, including Fettis and Wijnhard, the former only having missed the previous match with a virus but the latter having been ruled out for the rest of the season since February. Like the ball in a Chester v Lincoln game, it's all a bit up in the air, isn't it?

Enough of such trivia as the Mariners' bid to avoid spending three successive seasons in the basement division for the first time since 1971. The Diary is the daily GTFC news summary that deals with the real issues, such as which former (or current) Town manager would be the hardest in a fight - and literally seven of you have emailed on precisely this hot topic. "Nicky Law and Russell Slade would be the obvious choice for a good match on the well-known inversely proportional hair quantity/fight skills theorem," writes Paul Wright, who has clearly never bumped into this gentleman in a dark alley, "but I can't help thinking that owing to his diminutive stature and the funny slope of his shoulders Brian Laws would probably be packing something sharp and metal. Conclusion: Swain on points."

"McMenemy was a Coldstream Guard wasn't he? But could he headbutt a chicken sandwich plate?" That's the hard-fightin' logic of Jeremy Baily, who adds: "Bill Shankly could shout a lot, but was he hard? Slade is a chav, so he is as soft as milk. Sorry - can't choose one to be the winner in a bun fight, although Bonetti's beater could well be the chump!" The Scunthorpe employee's experience in the ancient oriental practice of sandwichitsu is likewise highlighted by Ruth Deller and Michael Shelton, who also reprises the theme of ex-military men to suggest: "Since we're hiring out a venue for the manager brawl, we need to commission some other fights to put on the bill and keep the paying customers happy. As Shearer is injured and can't play in his charity testimonial match, why don't we have Shearer v Whittle, bare-knuckle boxing, winner takes all? Now THAT I would pay to see."

The main criterion in the employment of bouncers, of course, is their capacity to be a bit handy, and it was not for nothing that the fearsome Nicky Law was likened by some to a nightclub door supervisor. Two Diary readers in particular had best tread carefully in the Buxton area, as Rich Mills has nominated "that ugly one from Chesterfield we had for a few weeks. Er... Nicky Law, was it?" while Danny 'Death Wish' Wignall reflects: "I aint sure about the hardest but surely the softest would have to be Nicky Law. He was a bit on the weedy side, or the proverbial 'wimp', whichever you prefer." That's Danny Wignall, in case you didn't catch the name, Mr Law, sir.

Law might look a good bet on paper to follow Curtis Woodhouse into the boxing ring, but past form is less significant than motivation - as Law's Mariners side proved beyond doubt. "A lot would depend on the motivation of the opponent," says Pat Bell, who is mindful of some managers' less than satisfactory results while in the BP hotseat. "Law and Lyons, to name just two, would have no chance against a Town fan. Lawrence would of course avoid the fight and pay a seven-stone weakling too much money to fight on his behalf."