Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Thursday 10 May 2007

10 May 2007

It started with a house full of curry and ended with a flying pig. Hello, it is me, that is I, Deviant Diary, returning like Gary Harkins to fill a man-sized hole with slow-moving mystery.

In this fallow period between games we can either sleep or indulge in spectacularly speculative speculation; or put our spectacles on and read the OS. That limping remnant of Sladism, young Gary Cohen, won't be paid by Town, but we will hold his cards. Sound very bonded labour to me - quick, get the Slave Czar on the phone! Poor GC, it sounds like the end. Fortunately, he isn't a racehorse, or even a carthorse. Is that a gratuitous but endearing link to the next item on the agenda? Oh yes. Lumpy may move slow, but only because Lumpy doesn't have to move for anybody; and he won't be moving from Town, for he's ours, all ours, for one more year of impossible passing and imperceptible movement.

The OS promises a "new face" at the club. Hmmm, what does new face mean in Townspeak? A new turnstile operator to replace the one who scared Mr Normal Diary? Tomorrow's exciting and unknown diarist will be working through the night contextually analysing. At least, that's what he'll tell his mum.

Britain's leading Phil Watson has mused in public upon the mysteries of Boston, in particular their magical appearance in a vague insolvency just one hundred and twenty seconds before the season ended:

"I suspect that 'going into administration' is a lengthy process involving well fed people in suits around boardroom tables and a veritable ocean of paperwork, rather than the degree of ceremony previously associated with playing one's joker on It's a Knockout."

You're such a 20th-century boy Phil. You're thinking of the Insolvency Act 1986! On this day of days we too can look back on the wrong TB's footballing legacy. You see, it's all down to the Enterprise Act 2002, which was heralded as promoting the entrepreneurial spirit. Well, that's what abolishing red tape does for you, pop-pickers. The solution is quite clear - we need more civil servants to save football from crookery.

Hot news of derring-do, post season. Just three days after the event we can unexclusively be arsed to remember to tell you who won the Town Go-Kart Challenge. It's the old stagers themselves: the dynamic duo of Dastardly and Muttley. No, sorry, I've just been watching Wacky Races again. Hang on, the press release is under the box of bourbons. Here it is... the Sorcerer and his apprentice: Sir Alan of Buckley and Archbishop John McDermott. And how did they manage that? Passing and movement, of course.

Meditate on that mantra for three months.