Cod Almighty | Match Stats

Monday 27 August 2012

Conference Premier

Grimsby Town 4 Artus (35), Pearson (45+1 pen, 76), Colbeck (61)

Mansfield Town 1 Rhead (86)

Attendance: 3397 (526 away fans)

Move, move, pass, pass. Oh no Niven! Artus scraped straight into the top corner through the corridor of uncertainty.

A free-kick cleared, Aswad advanced amorously and the big boy tripped. Penalty! G Pearson shanked slightly right as the fluorescent flapper flopped slightly left.

Colbeck hovered and hummed, G Pearson schmoozed to the bye-line and Colbeck clinked awkwardly. The fluorescent flapper flipped against his left post and the ball ambled achingly into t'other corner.

A corner to the near post, G Pearson shrugged slowly, the ball arced dolefuly off his hairline into the furthest corner.

Disley was shoved into the Lower Findus, a bloke crossed, Town snoozed, Fat Rhinoceros stooped and steered a header back across McKeown.

Today, Matthew, the sponsors were the Lincolnshire Banana Splits Society and, in keeping with the bizarreness, chose one of their own: Joe Colbeck, the footballing Bingo.

It was clearly a Pearson; either will do, for one stopped the clogs and the other was indefatigably persistent. G Pearson was actually useful today, for Town.

However much we wanted it to click right from the start of the season, it didn't. But you have to keep persevering with it as a squad. I'm not saying we've cracked it by a long stretch – and there's going to be ups and downs before the end of the season – but we always knew that we had the quality that we showed against Mansfield.

Today Grimsby did to us what we did to other teams last season. We got bullied and beaten up all over the park and couldn't defend set pieces.

Well, there was a lot more running and jumping going on, with very little standing still. They stood up to the Mansfield maulers and gave as good as they got, with Wood in his field of dreams: a battle royale with plenty of cheese. Mansfield had a couple of shots in the first half after woeful wanton wibbling involving Niven, but nothing else much as the defence was solid and staunch. Offensively Town were increasingly frequently effective as the Staggerers crumpled, with outbreaks of passing football. Passing. And movement. Now and again. Colbeck was sometimes weirdly effective, with persistence paying off. Cook was better, but ran out of puff (and missed a sitter). G Pearson became a footballer (ignore the open goal clearance: that was before his re-birth). Town should have won by a lot more, as chances were tossed into the Pontoon like a gaggle of giggling geese, but they stood up to the bully boys, which was nice.

"That's an ooch!" Oh dear, the Sour Grapes Bunch were a crude and oafish rag-tag without any redeeming qualities. The selection policy was clearly based on the size of their shorts, with probably the widest set of backsides ever seen in professional football. They were big men, but some of them weren't in shape. Their tactics consisted of charging and barging, like kids in a playground. Absolutely rotten. All they did was foul, in the most unsubtle ways, and managed to get away with it more times than not. In this league, when all else fails, "bring on the fat bloke" is the cri de coeur. And, when the drubbbing was causing blubbing in their dwindled band of followers, on came Rhead, who ran straight as an arrow and straight into S Pearson, like a rabid, rutting rhinoceros. The match DVD has a special commentary by David Attenborough. They were awful in oh so many ways.

Fortunately the ref was mad, bad and dangerous to know and got the slumberers rumbling. All was well.

Mr K Evans (Gtr Manchester)

This man is a Menace2Society. Hopelessly hopeless in a hapless way. S Pearson booked for being rutted by a Stag; G Pearson dissolved in acid but his attacker freed on bail. Advantages were arbitrary: justice was rarely done and never seen to be done. Even he couldn't avoid sending off bad boy Roberts though. A number? 1.234.

Goals!

Goals! And lemon cheesecake.