Cod Almighty | Diary

Game of two thrones

3 September 2014

Last night a Grimsby Town XI travelled to North Ferriby to play in what was described as a 'friendly'. It took me a fair while to do some digging to find the final score, and thanks to the home team's Twitter account and some friends at Bletchley Park, it seems that we lost 4-2. No word on who started for us, no word on who scored, no word on anything really. But seemingly Nathan Jarman scored one of the goals for NFFC, the little scamp. Always had a soft spot for Jarman.

Hopefully some of the squad who haven't been playing got to play and hopefully some of the squad who did play didn't get injured. At the end of the day it's a game of two halves and they all gave 110 per cent, I'm sure.

On Saturday, our chairman who isn't a chairman is going to take to the pitch and get drenched as part of the virally trending (ALS, or is it?) ice bucket challenge. He wants £500 in donations to start the drenching, and if we reach £1,000 then the boss man will join in with the 'fun'. All for charity, obviously. Personally, I think they've stretched this a little too much. Get a bucket or a flag on the day and get donations from the people at the park, as opposed to putting pressure on people to raise more money.

Also, when are they doing this? During half time? It'd be the most exciting halfway point since Russell Slade's open day at Sincil Bank. That was fun. I'd pay to see that again. Before the game? Oh, I don't know. Your London Diary is usually a fun-loving, positive guy – but this has irked me. If it was a lukewarm tea urn, full of the Pontoon's finest urinary delights, then I'd pay the £500 myself and ask for Hurstststtsts to do the pouring on the chairman-not-chairman-no returns. Alas, it's not, so I'll shut my mouth.

This got me thinking, though, about my plans to take over the football club – and don't you worry, I bloody well will.

Some people have dreams about being a footballer, but they seem far-fetched; how many people actually become professional footballers nowadays?! My plan is to be successful in another walk of life, raise the necessary funds to buy the club and get rid of its debt. Employ a team of professionals to ensure that we never do the 10-year trapdoor trick again. Once these measures are all in place then the good ship Grimsby Town FC (plc, but not a plc in the eyes of the supporters – very much a family club) will be sailing on up the charts heading for the top 10.

This is when my plan really comes to fruition. Once we are in the higher echelons of the Football League and I have won the hearts of the weekly 8,000 fanbase at our new stadium (which will be built on this site here), I will then announce what I've been planning all along. I will be playing in goal. That's right. The chairman you have known and loved, your knight in shining armour, the man of the people, will be playing in goal and there will be nothing you can do about it. NOTHING. I own the club, I own the gloves, I own you all now. If you don't facking like it, don't facking come.

Just a bit of fun. Also fun will be Cleethorpes Town's FA Cup replay tonight. They need the support as it's a big game for them. Tickets are only a fiver, so let's spread the love. Leave the urn at home though. UTM!