Cod Almighty | Diary

Back to the future

19 April 2016

Retro Diary writes: As a back-end 'baby boomer' my childhood was spent in a time when working horses, bedsocks and wars on our own soil were well within living memory. However, the general aesthetic that gave the old days their romance had been ruined, or so we thought, by the invention of traffic noise, coloured plastic, brutalist architecture and television. As far as we were concerned, it was a loud, cheap-looking and indoorsy way for history to come to an end, and everything was set to stay permanently rubbish. What we’d have made of a phone you could carry in your pocket which could tell you what a piece of music was just by holding it up to the sound, and give you every live football score in the world simultaneously, lord only knows.

Without computer games, we spent the whole time playing football, or cricket in the summer. We would play for up to twelve hours a day, wake up too stiff to move the next morning, then go and play for another twelve hours. I’m sure all that exercise must have done us some good, although maybe, on the contrary, it’s why we’re so buggered in our middle age. That kind of youth, with cassette recorders and tappet feeler gauges passing for technology, might also be why we’re not as good with an iPad as someone now aged seven.

By the time I was 12 I could competently score a cricket match, knowing all the umpire’s signals. The lbw rule was second nature. It was a matter of pride to know the colours, nicknames and grounds of every football league team, and the list was immutable. And we knew the laws of the game. This isn’t the same as knowing the "rules", which was something less demanding – the laws implied proper study, from first principles. Of course, I can’t remember them all now, and some of them have changed anyway. What a keeper is actually allowed to do with the ball after he’s picked it up now, and for how long, I admit is a bit of a grey area for me - maybe I should take the trouble to find out. All I know is that the ref never blows, so the rules must be either pretty liberal or the keepers are displaying flawless fair play.

Anyone who studied the laws like we did could be forgiven for getting very grumpy with modern TV pundits, who can really talk some cobblers when it comes to the rules. For instance, it doesn’t matter where on the pitch the ball is (as long as it’s in play) for a foul to be a foul. It can be at the other end. Also, whilst you’re allowed to lean on your opponent shoulder to shoulder (but only if the ball is within playing distance, of course), what you’re not allowed to do is take a ten yard run-up and unceremoniously smash someone into the boards. I mention these two because Town have been on the wrong end of them more than once this season. And it’s no good asking refs to help you at this flippin’ level. We never seem to do those things ourselves do we - maybe that’s where we’re going wrong. Perhaps it’s a good thing - we can flatter ourselves that we’re too gentlemanly. Ahem.

But what we did do on Saturday against Dover was that thing you see all the time now - on hearing an opponent thundering up behind him, a player will simply stop dead so the opponent runs into his legs, then go down like a sack of spuds to "win" (hmm) a free kick. I suppose you can’t do anything to combat it, except tell your players to keep well away from their opponents’ heels lest they should get suckered. It won us a penalty anyway, so who cares, if that’s the point that gets us in the play-offs. I’m usually for fair play but bollocks to that, this is serious now.

If someone back in our childhood had given us a peek at the future - just five minutes to look at the league tables from far-distant 2016 - our kid selves would have been gobsmacked. Strangely, seeing Leicester at the very top wouldn’t have seemed as outlandish then as it does now. “Stevenage!!!” we would have exclaimed with horror, before noticing Morecambe, Fleetwood, Dagenham, Burton and Crawley also barging their way into the big time and mixing it with the 'proper' clubs. Finding some of football’s behemoths so far down the leagues would have seemed decidedly odd, but in the case of Leeds, very funny. Well it’s still funny. And all these "AFC"s – surely something had gone badly wrong. Of course we know now that "AFC" can indicate a reprieve well beyond what the ordinary mortal could expect given the same degree of catastrophic financial mismanagement.

The point I’m trying to make is that nothing in this world stays the same. If we, now, could have a look into the future, just five minutes to get a sneak preview of the league tables of 2046, we would no doubt be similarly amazed. (Where have Scunthorpe gone?) One thing of which I can be almost completely certain, is that Town will be higher than they are now. That’s why we don’t need to worry. This endless soap opera will still be playing out, riding the waves, long after we’re gone. And Town will, because they must, settle out higher than division five.

If we’re lucky, the rise could even happen sooner rather than later. Tonight it’s Woking. A win would enable us to relax a bit, and have something of a mental breather before the annual May worry-fest. Indeed, if a victory was coupled with an Eastleigh defeat at Halifax, we could be sure of play-off hell before bedtime tonight. One of these years, we have to go up. We could even try making it look easy one year.

For us, Nathan Arnold is a major doubt, but Pat Hoban is back in contention. As always with a Hursty team selection, expect the unexpected. I’m beginning to think that Omar and Podge will never play together again. I don’t know what the problem is – too obvious, maybe.

UTM