Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Sunday 1 June 2003

1 June 2003

Here it is at last then: the Diary does Sunday. Hope your weekends have all been nice. I went to see that Matrix Reloaded on Friday, which was quite cool, and led me to suspect that the Premiership is all an elaborate illusion sustained by virtual reality software and its fans are unknowingly spending their entire lives with electrodes in their heads sitting in jars in Rupert Murdoch's shed. Which I know sounds a tad far-fetched; perhaps two hours of Carrie-Anne Moss in a PVC catsuit had left me feeling a little giddy. On Saturday I went shopping, but didn't have buttered scones for tea, sufficing myself with several pints of Grolsch and a vindaloo. Life's tough; at any rate, it was in the Diary's bathroom this morning. Today I have had a lovely hour-long walk round the woods with Mrs Diary, which may not kid my body into believing I have a healthy lifestyle but works wonders for blotting out the ugly struggles and realities of life - having no money and being a Grimsby fan - and it's a lot cheaper than a Sky dish.

So what news from the hyper-real world of the Mariners? Exasperated at its supporters' tendency to assume the worst at all times - I mean, you'd think they'd be used to it by now - the club has issued statements clarifying the situation regarding Paul Wilkinson's redundancy. The announcement earlier this week that Town were releasing the reserve team coach resulted in a more than usually virulent outbreak of messageboard hysteria in some quarters, with a number of fans who are clearly in need of some primal scream therapy and/or a big hug variously prophesying the disbanding of the reserve team, the formation of a breakaway club, anthrax attacks in Thrunscoe and the destruction of the planet Earth by an enormous cosmic Polo mint. None of which, says the club, are on the agenda at the next board meeting.

If the Diary were a tabloid then we would be reporting that Danny Coyne has "issued a come-and-get-me plea to Stan Ternent", as Wales' fourth-choice number one - who has privately said there's basically no way he'll still be playing for Town next season - has been speaking of his lifelong admiration for Burnley Football Club, two weeks after a rare Diary exclusive broke the news that the Clarets fancy him. "Burnley are a massive club," the waning custodian tells the Grimsby Telegraph. "And from what I hear about the manager, and what I've seen, he has a great reputation, and is ambitious himself, which would match my ambition." You know the sort of thing. We all know deep down that Danny has been experiencing serious second-album trouble in the last year or so, struggling to live up to the form that made him fans' player of the season a bit ago; and the Diary reckons if he's going to release The Second Coming then let him do it at Turf Moor.

And that's all the Diary has to say this glorious Sunday afternoon. I'm going to wallpaper the bathroom. That isn't a joke or a reference or anything - I really am.