Cod Almighty | Diary

All his geese are swans!

25 November 2020

BOTB Diary writes: Eddie Large. Bobby Ball. Eric Morecambe. Bernie Winters. Have you noticed how, with double-acts, it is always the funnier one who dies first? I'm not sure what that has to do with GTFC or why I'm starting a diary with this observation. Still, if Vic Reeves is reading this he'll doubtless sleep easier tonight.

All his geese are swans! I'm talking, of course, about Oliver "Ollie" Ollieway, our esteemed manager, who led his forces to redemption with a victory at Bloody Crawley last night. Felt big, didn't it? Our football club was tied and gagged, its head upon the railroad track. The rail's a-hummin', there's a train a-comin. But not only did we manage to stop the train, we kicked it in the bollocks and sent it back to Crewe. After a horrible week of humiliating defeats, backfence prittle-prattle, controversy and despair, it feels like we've beaten Liverpool in the cup and not just Bloody Crawley in front of zero fans at the Pensioner's Tea, Cake, Friendship and Bingo at the Church Hall Stadium. But from mighty oaks, do tiny acorns grow. Or whatever.

Unlike some of our diarists, I'm all in favour of Ollie. I'm sure his flat caps are getting bigger every week, which means we'll soon be managed by a character from the Goodies "Ecky Thump" episode. Young people, ask your grandads. They'll doubtless tell you that someone famously and literally died laughing at that 1970s comedy classic, though it has now been retrospectively classified as a Covid death. Little bit of satire, there. Sneaked it in. Don't know if anyone noticed. I'll continue.

It seems clear to me that the problems with our club have nothing to do with the manager, or the players, or the fans or the groundsman. Whoever turns up to fill these positions, we are still always in the lower reaches of division four, warily eyeing the big trapdoor that leads to Dante's Inferno, or Welling Away as it is otherwise known. Everybody knows what the problem is, apart from the problem. That's all I'm saying.

It seems almost churlish now to mention the Tranmere game, so sorry, Steve the Lincoln fan, who I asked to check out our highlights to discover a neutral's perspective on what the problem was. I'll leave your excellent analysis for the next defeat.

BOTB was a fortnightly contributor, but due to a lot of our staff being furloughed, and in the face of overwhelming popular demand, I will now be writing weakly weekly. I'm off to a funeral now. So see you next Wednesday. UTM.