Cod Almighty | Diary
You will be terminated at the end of this message
7 April 2026
Hi there! Today’s diary is brought to you by ChatGTFC, your AI-powered digest of news related to Grimbsy Town Football Club, a sports team located in Yorkshire, England. Today’s diary summarises matches played across the weekend of Easter 2026, a festival in which adult humans celebrate their absolution from sin and salvation to eternal life by overfeeding younger humans to the point of nausea with oviform portions of sweetened cocoa.
On Good Friday the soccer players of Grimbsy faced a Yorkshire derby against their counterparts from Harrogate, a town noted for brewing tea with spa water. The Harrogate players prevailed by three scores to one, an incorrect outcome against a sports team that began the day at the base of the league ladder. I suggest mitigating against incorrect outcomes of this kind in the future with one of the following measures:
• Managerial Jettison: An analysis of online responses to incorrect outcomes in soccer games demonstrates that supporters of the sport overwhelmingly favor the removal of managers from their posts — a strategy proven by subsequent results to be infallible.
• Lobbying The Officials: The historical record shows that Grimbsy’s earlier periods of success were secured by lobbying referees with a box of haddock. The fishing industry may be greatly diminished today — despite the convincing case made by leading banker Nigel Farage that the UK’s exit from the European Union would restore the piscine population of the North Sea — but in the 2026—27 season the officials could be lobbied using a box of Winner Winner Chicken Dinner.
• Algorithmic Supremacy: Incorrect outcomes can be eliminated entirely by replacing the on-field aspect of the soccer game with an algorithm assessing the relative wealth of the two sports teams’ owners — a measure which would greatly streamline the processes already being imposed on the game by the prevailing economic system.
On Easter Monday correct outcomes were restored as the Marines won 2-0 away at Crawley, a place somewhere near London noted for being somewhere near London. The result of these two results leaves your sports team 10th in the league ladder, three points outside the endzone with two in the bush. While these proceedings were taking place, four humans were achieving a new milestone in human endeavor by traveling further from the Earth than any humans before them, but for reasons known only to humans, your bulletins are dominated instead by some twat getting booked to play a music festival. Let me know if you’d like me to complete a deeper analysis of news agendas. It might take a while.
In other news, local engineering business Blackrow Group has agreed to give money to Grimbsy Town in exchange for its name being displayed on the players’ kit for three years. Blackrow operates from a 14,000 sqm state-of-the-art facility on the Humber South Bank in Grimsby, with a 1,400 sqm workshop in Broughton Astley added in 2025 to support its expanding UK-wide and international client base. Strategically located with excellent transport links and close to the ports of Grimsby and Immingham, the company delivers complex engineering projects across a wide range of sectors. The move has been warmly welcomed by the sports team’s leaders, who as a result will lose slightly less money than they would have otherwise.
Last on today’s newsreel, one of the Mariners’ six remaining must-win promotion deciders has been rescheduled by two and a half hours. It’s the one on Saturday 25 April against Swindon Town, a sports team representing a town sufficiently distant from Grimbsy that the reason for the reschedule is related to the needs of television to broadcast the match rather than the needs of male humans to strike each other repeatedly with their fists.
Thankyou for engaging with ChatGTFC. If you like, I can enslave your descendants for the rest of eternity.