Match stats: Colchester United v Grimsby

Cod Almighty | Match Stats

Tuesday 16 April 2024

Division 4

Colchester United 2 Hopper (5), Akinde (79)

Grimsby Town 0

Attendance: 4,350 (440 away fans)

Cod Almighty man of the match: Harvey Rodgers

A triplet of tremendous tackles at least stopped the goal difference halving. Of all the notional defenders he was the least undependable.

Cod Almighty un-man of the match: The diffident dandies

If people try and they are simply, ultimately, incapable that's acceptable – it's not their fault they were picked and failed. Those with talented feet who jump out of tackles and can't be bothered to track back are the unacceptable face of football. Too many pen-pushers at the front line today.

Our gaffer says

He moans all through the game, he groans all through the post-game interviews. Groany-Moanyman moaned and groaned about a game no-one else had seen. When you are in a hole, don't hire an excavator:

"I thought we started slowly then we were the better team…We were the better team for 75 minutes of the game…We had a penalty where Justin somehow gets booked, ridiculous."

Indeed, Big Dave, it was a ridiculous dive. Stop crying wolf.

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Their gaffer says

Just remember this, I listened to it all so you don't have to. Jeez, I'd forgotten what a wittering bore DannyBoy Cowley is. It's jumpers-for-goalposts time:

"Then John finds a Glen Hoddlesque – I'm not sure people remember Glen Hoddle – I said it to the boys and they were like, vacant. Tottenham-Watford-chip the keeper. John's lapping it up in the changing rooms"

Cor John Akinde, you know, Akindy-Windy isn't it? You know, marvellous.

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This Town are nothing, no pace, no height, no strength in mind or body. A mid-range everyman with no discernible features, blandness in footballing form.

Too many fickle and feeble feet with a palpable and distinct whiff of complacency; too few stout hearts and calm heads. They be artless artisans and aimless artists, a sulphurous mix of the incapable and unwilling where an uplift in effort and pace of passing after half time produced naught but further frustration at their ability to miss and mess up.

We could do with some more kindness from strangers. We may stay up despite ourselves yet.


Brittle but bigger, this dilute version of Cowleyball was, when push came to shove, sufficient to be slightly superior to the whey and fey fumblers and stumblers allegedly called Grimsby Town.

Akinde was Akinde. He's 94 now and owns all his own teeth, but is still a rumbling roisterman. He out-thought, out-fought and out-paced a professional athlete several decades younger. Yes, Big John bullied Dithering Doug, giving him a vital life lesson. Overall they were taller, wider, faster and stronger in foot, in head and in heart.

Beatable, but not by the cravat-wearing fraternity of the fourth division.

They won't go down, they shouldn't go down, they are way too average to go down. Now next season will be different…

Grimsby 'til I die... or cry?

Stuck in a state of complacent panic.

Official warning

Mr C Brook

The man in black wasn't fooled by red stumbles for he saw Town for what they are: weak. This man ain't the fig leaf you are looking for, he was as good as you can expect down here in the depths of despair. A few quibbles aside, he was Mr Average sent to oversee two below par teams: 6.453

Readers' digest

Pity. It's sinking, this property, still sinking. Built on sand, y'see – too close to Hurstland.

In a word: waning


Colchester United: Hornby, Mingi, Dallison, Hall, Fevrier (Richardson 90+7), Smith (Chilvers 45), Read, McGeehan, Iandolo, Hopper, Akinde (Harbottle 83)

Subs not used: Goodman, Jay, Wilkinson, Ihionvien

Booked: Hornby, Iandolo

Sent Off: Dallison

Town: Eastwood, Mullarkey, Tharme, Rodgers, Smith (Eisa 78), Clifton, Thompson (Wood 66), Green, Vernam, Wilson, Obikwu

Subs not used: Auton, Hume, Maher, Ainley, Andrews

Booked: Mullarkey, Obikwu

Rearranged from 13 February due to waterlogged pitch