Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Tuesday 14 February 2006

14 February 2006

On days like today there is no better job in the world than being the Diary. Why? Because with every day that passes, Boston chairman Honest Jon Sotnick seems to be orbiting further and further from the Earth, and today he has beamed back a priceless paranoid rant about the authorities having it in for his club. I mean it's not like they've ever broken any laws or anything, is it. "There seems to be a conspiracy at work because at every game Steve seems to be singled out for extra attention from the police," gibbers Sotnick. Yes, Jon - that'll be one of those 'conspiracies' the police carried on against George Reynolds, Jeffrey Archer, Al Capone and Ronnie Biggs, won't it. "I've launched my own investigation to find out why the police ejected an employee of mine from his place of work," added HJS, donning a Columbo-style brown raincoat, puffing on a Sherlock Holmes pipe and adjusting his Dangermouse eyepatch. The Pilgrims supremo continues: "Steve was thrown out of the ground with no money, no mobile phone and was left to fend for himself. The team coach was locked and he couldn't get on, which put him at risk as he was approached by a number of local youths. Fortunately he didn't come to any harm." Eyewitnesses, meanwhile, have reported seeing a number of local youths paying for a large order in the Cleethorpe Road branch of McDonalds with cash taken from plain brown envelopes. I'm lovin' it.

Back on our home planet, GTFC safety officer Terry Rudrum has calmly explained, in coolly measured tones, the decision to expel Evans. The Eddie Izzard-lookalike Boston boss was warned about his potty mouth by both the fourth official during the first half and the referee at half time, says Mr Rudrum, and was given a full explanation on his eviction from the Blundell Park house by Grimsby's legendary football intelligence officer PC Alan 'Judge Dredd' Rutter. Let's all nominate cuddly Steve for the 'good sport' award.

Better move on, I suppose. Tonight's visit to Mansfield may be distinguished by the presence of the great Sir John McDermott, maker of 700-plus appearances for GTFC, scorer of awesome goal against Rushden and all-round legendary dude. Town's official site adds that Paul Bolland and Fen Butcher will return to the squad after missing Saturday's win over Boston through suspension and gentlemen's agreements, and that Curtis Woodhouse could miss out tonight because Mansfield is not in Yorkshire. Justin Whittle might be back by the weekend and Marc Goodfellow could be out for flipping ages with his tweaked crustacean. Mussel. Muscle. I'm not saying Russell Slade is Nicky Law, but you've never seen Marc Goodfellow and John Thorrington in the same room, have you.

That's all for this Tuesday lunchtime, then, save for a little scurrilous gossip emailed to the Diary overnight. "It's a well-known fact that Paul is the father of Ben Futcher," writes Sibbo. "However, that leaves the question of who fathered Fen Butcher. I've heard that surname somewhere." That'll be Terry, then, right?