Cod Almighty | Diary
Summer is here!
24 June 2026
Most physicists will tell you that time cannot stand still, but they'd be wrong. After watching the England centre-backs with the ball last night, I can confirm that it can not only stand still but go backwards.
The prevailing Cod Almighty attitude towards the FIFA World Cup of Corruption and Peace Prizes for Sex Offender Mafia Bosses (Copyright) is that it is a frippery and a distraction from the serious business of seeing which reserve left-back we've signed from Darlington. In the main I agree, but until England's inevitable exit from the competition I take a passing interest in proceedings, and last night my passing interest turned into passionate interest, simply because we were so bad. Dont worry, I'll tie it into Town later. Honest.
Now then. The centre-backs. Playing from the back means your centre-backs have to be involved. The trouble with centre-backs is they don't want to be involved. Their job is to win tackles and headers. It's what they've done all their life. Trust me, very few children grow up with dreams of being a defender. They all want to be strikers, and it's only when they realise they are better at clearing it and getting stuck in than they are at passing it and beating people that they settle for the less glamorous job. Mick Lyons, for example, a man who never gave up his striking dreams, even as a manager. But the point is, they don't tend to be very good at the going forward bits.
Ghana last night parked the bus, so when the ball arrived at a centre-half's feet in 45 square hectares of space he was faced with the following options:
1. Pass it sideways to another defender.
2. Pass it back to Jordan 'Mad' Pickford. Which, in a just world, should never be an option.
3. Pass it to a creative midfielder. Please note, in order to pass it to a creative midfielder, a creative midfielder is required (not supplied).
4. Attempt a 40-yard pass to a stationary attacker, who doesn't know when to make a run because the ball has been passed from centre-half to centre-half for the last ten minutes.
All of this choice cripples them, so they end up making a fifth choice: standing still with the ball. Literally. Turn a bit left, turn a bit right, wait for a player to come and challenge you, which isn't going to happen because they are not stupid, put your foot on it and pose majestically against the sunset. You may as well. Nobody is coming near you. You've got the ball in a World Cup game. The cameras are on you. The commentator is saying your name. Whoops, better not slip up. After the majestic posing it's time for decisive action. Pass it to your other centre-back, so that he can do the same. What? There are only three minutes left and we need to score a goal? What's that got to do with me? I'm a defender. Should have picked me first in games, shouldn't you?
So we borey-snorey-no-score-drawey and people tend to blame Kane for missing a sitter, or Bellingham for being a Bellinghamend, or Anthony Gordon for looking like Princess Diana's ghost. But the pace of the attacks is set by the people starting them, and the pace our defenders set was 'ponderous.' My word, it was a painful watch. As my mate Roy said halfway through the second half, it's times like this you wish you'd taken up knitting.
And the Town bit? Well, in his days as a centre-half, new Town favourite Harvey Rogers used to do the same thing. There are five minutes to go and Town are losing, so it was time to put your foot on the ball, rotate, stick your left leg in, your right leg out, pass back to your keeper and see the time out. Can someone please tell players that a football match lasts 90 minutes and you have to do something within that time constraint? Whatever happened to urgency and desire and a sheer will to win? Gah.
Anyway, generally the cup is proceeding as FIFA planned. Messi can't get sent off for anything, referees are making sure the big boys get through (including England, to be honest) and the cameramen have been trained not to pick out any uggos in the crowd. Zippy from Rainbow voice on *I said they'd be chanting rude things about Donald Trump, didn't I Geoffrey? Yaaaaas.* Zippy from Rainbow voice off. *I also said they'd make sure Messi was in the final, didn't I Geoffrey?* I said Zippy from Rainbow mode OFF! Oh god, it was stuck on. Sorry.
Anyway, it's boiling out, which means only one in three Grimbarians is still wearing a quilted jacket. The world turns, the world burns, but the world never learns.
Summer? Humbug.