Cod Almighty | Diary
So, where were the spiders?
29 July 2026
The big sporting event yesterday was of course the CA pre-season crazy golf extravamaganza. Tony Butcher got round 18 holes of devilment in 50, with his nearest competitor on 76. Massacre! 76, by sheer conicidence, is the number of obscure 1970's progressive rock references in Tony's latest match report.
I can give you my own summary of Grimsby vs Lincoln, which also took place yesterday.
KAPOW: Jamie Walker belts in a beauty!
WHACK: Charlie Vernam bangs in a beauty!
BAM: Justin Amaluzor bangs in a beauty!
SHIT: some Lincoln player or other scuffs in a flukey one
SPROINK: Andy Cook bangs in a......ok let's not talk about this one!
CHUNKLE: Andy cook bangs in a beauty!
Were Lincoln playing their first team? Do teams like Lincoln have a first team. or do they just pick whoever manages to come into training sober? Nobody seems quite sure. All I can say for certain is that, to a man, they looked like they'd rather be clearing out the cat litter tray than playing football. Pre-season friendlies mean nothing, of course. Nowt. Zero. Diddly squat. But I'd still rather win them 5-1 than lose them 5-1, especially against a team who are two divisons higher than us. Until May.
Unusually for a game of this sort we didn't have any new faces to check out in the first half, so it felt like putting on a lovely pair of friendly and familiar slippers with 11 friendly uncles. In the second half Mr Catchpole from Rentaghost came on and haunted the midfield nicely, and young Foulkes with the hair so fair came on and sprinted and passed pleasantly and confidently. What's that? The man in Rentaghost was called Claypole? That can't be right. I had loads of puns lined up. Thats not exactly the spirit, is it?
There were probably other new faces as well. Possibly a Peterson or two came on. No offence to these fine young players but by that time I was so insensible with laughter at the scoreline I lost track of what was happening.
With the game being played in 29 degree heat there was of course a young lad down the front of the Ponny wearing a full length anorak. On the way in I saw a youth wearing a hoodie. I look forward to the January home fixtures when presumably these two climate-immune chaps will attend wearing mankinis. Actually, I'm not looking forward to that at all. Ew.
On the radio on the way down to BP, they played the David Bowie song 'Ziggy Stardust' which reminded me that one of the members of his band was called 'Weird'. Yes. Weird. Another was called 'Gilly'. I can't decide whether, if I was a Spider from Mars, which I must stress I never have been, I'd rather be called a fairly commonplace nickname like Gilly, or the frankly bizarre 'Weird'. I mean in the Town team we have Cooky, Greeny, Sweeney and McJannety. If, in that company, my name was 'Weird' I'd be quite worried about how I was coming across to other people. Sort it, Bowies. Make some half time Ch...ch...ch...changes. Get Weird off!
Our next meaningless pre-seasoner at Blundell Park is of course, at home to Wigan on Saturday. Using my skills of deduction I have cleverly worked out that they are either in the Championship or League One. I could, of course, Google it in three seconds but that would imply interest of which I simply do not have enough.
In the meantime, get on your full length anoraks and hoist your haddocks high. UTM.