Cod Almighty | Diary
Diary - Tuesday 25 February 2003
25 February 2003
Today, gentle reader, the Diary asks: what would you do if you had 75,000 quid? You could buy 329 ounces of gold, at current prices. You could enjoy six pints of Old Mill in the Rutland every day for 20 years (not allowing for inflation). You could improve the pop charts immeasurably by purchasing 6,983 copies of the Comet Gain album Realistes (on vinyl). You could hire a management consultant for 37 minutes. You could buy three quarters of my house. But if today's Grimsby Telegraph is to be believed, you could instead buy John Oster from Sunderland for Grimsby Town, for that is the knock-down fee, says the paper, for which the doomed Premiership outfit would be persuaded to part with the wizardry of Os. "I don't think I'd be doing my job properly," admits Paul Groves, "if, in some shape or another, I didn't try and keep him." An octagon would be just fine, Paul.
The Telegraph also announces with justified grandeur that the Mariners approach the 'double header' of home games this Saturday and next Tuesday with "a fully fit squad for the first time this season". This is thanks to the recovery of Darren Mansaram at Lilleshall (more of which later) and the return to fitness of Town's gorgeous midfield idol Alan Pouton, who has resumed training today - with the youth team, apparently.
Town have launched an urgent appeal for replacement bolts for the revolving doors in the Blundell Park changing room as two more trialists arrive at the club. Charlton's 28-year-old midfielder Mads Mortensen is joined by the magnificently titled Kalam Mooniaruck, a young forward straight outta Manchester United, who holds England under-17 caps but has already spent fruitless trial periods with QPR and Rotherham. The hopeful duo may take some part in the reserves match at Darlington tomorrow - but as prior experience has demonstrated, supporters are best advised not to take anything for granted where the reserves or trialists are concerned.
Speaking of which, the Diary has received further correspondence on the subject of Wayne Gill, the Oldham midfielder and aviation software developer who recently tried out for the Town. This time it's from Cod Almighty's self-styled tipster Mat 'The Hat' Hare, who points us to a website that proves Wayne "would rather photograph carrier bags in a tree then play football for Grimsby Town". Shocking, Matthew - just shocking.
On the subject of Lilleshall, pondered on these pages only yesterday, Diary readers are equally forthcoming. Our friend Louis T Spangler has emailed a theory involving the 1930s crash-landing on Bryher in the Isles of Scilly of a spacecraft of medical supplies bound for Alpha Omicron XII - which is frankly ridiculous, as most experts now maintain that the craft was actually en route to Alpha Omicron XXIV - while M Kolder of Essex has discovered a website that reveals links between the FA's fitness centre and a shadowy right-wing cult implicated in the brainwashing of young children. Meanwhile, John Sowerby of Miami, S Yorks, reveals: "Lilleshall is the central cloning facility for the FA. All footballers in the UK are cloned on registering with the FA, and the clones stored until needed. In the event of major injury, the player goes to Lilleshall, undergoes memory transfer to a fully fit clone, then destroyed, with the clone taking his place. In Livvo's case, each time they've had to find his brain first, which is why it takes so long." Keep it coming!