Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Monday 14 April 2003

14 April 2003

As GTFC staff and supporters alike sift through the wreckage of their first division status in the wake of Saturday's devastating bombardment from Crystal Palace, it falls to club captain and ageing superhero John McDermott to tell his colleagues they were shit. "If we play like that against any of the other teams we are down, and it is as hard as that," the ace right-back tells today's Grimsby Telegraph. "We cannot beat teams on that performance." Paul Groves has a go at the rallying cry thing but his way with words falls sadly short of the standards set by his managerial skills. "The goals that we conceded in the first half did not give us an opportunity to get anything from the match at all," he mumbles. I'm not quoting anything else from the Telegraph today because right at the moment their site has a really annoying pop-up ad.

In the absence of any further revelations from Camp Grimsby, we turn, as ever, to our faithful readership to plug the void; and first up is an email from one Patricia Moore in response to Saturday's Diary. "Dear Diary," she writes, "did your trip to the National Space Centre help you discover the location of Irthlingborough? Is there also a 'Littlegreenmanborough'?" The answer is no, I'm afraid; but it is true to point out that in Northamptonshire, no-one can hear you scream.

"Well," writes Danny Ashmole, "it looks like Town are going down, and...well, I have a confession to make: I'm afraid it's all my fault. As a superstition, I do not bet on the Mariners, as they always lose when I do. Earlier this season, some fool at work was giving it all the 'you're going down this year...bookies' favourites'. This irked me greatly, so I bet him five pounds that, as usual, Grimsby would escape relegation. Now I feel awful. Do any of your other readers feel it may be their fault? If so, this may go some way to assuaging my terrible guilt." So let's have your emails. You heard the man: is it your fault Town are going down - or do you not work for Carlton or Granada?

Finally, a word from Richard Dawson (and these made-up names are just getting silly now). "According to high-level Grimsby Road after-match sources, Galli was proffering excuses for his 'abysmality'. In no particular order these are alleged to be: (1) I had a 'bad chip' and was up all night 'going at both ends'; (2) on Friday they offered me a contract worth half my last one; (3) Butterfield organised a conspiracy to ensure my weakness against good players would be ruthlessly exposed. This was in revenge for flushing his head down the loo in 1998." We're offering him a new contract? "I suggest the word allegedly might fit in to one or two of the sentences," adds Richard cautiously. "Items one and two are genuine rumours. Item 3 came to me via extra-terrestrial communication. Abysmality is a word of my own invention." To which I can add nothing other than to enquire whether the correspondent has also visited the National Space Centre recently.

Remember, readers, if you're suffering from the relegation blues, existential angst, sexual frustration or chronic schizophrenia, there is no email you could write that would be too silly for the Diary to publish. codalmightydiary@yahoo.co.uk is the address; denial and mild hysteria is the game.