Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Tuesday 17 June 2003

17 June 2003

Prepare for lots of puns about clogging, tulips, caps, porn and cheese, as the latest comrade to join the Grimsby revolution is Marcel Cas, a 31-year-old right winger/utility player of Dutch extraction. The player joined Notts County from RBC Roosendaal in 2001, scoring eight times in 60-odd games before spending three months with Sheffield United at the end of last season, and has today signed a two-year deal with GTFC. Like last week's arrival Tony Crane, Cas boasts a stature that compares favourably to the Dock Tower. He can't cross or shoot but tackles strongly and is understood to move like shit off a shovel. The Diary notes that his six appearances for the promotion-chasing Blades saw Mr Warnock taste two draws and four defeats but trusts that this is mere coincidence.

Leicester have edged ahead of Ipswich and Burnley in the queue to sign Danny Coyne, if reports in today's national press are to be taken at face value. Both the Mirror and the Independent report that Town's notoriously available number one could be off to scoff a load of crisps in the midlands, with the broadsheet rehashing the bizarre yet oddly persistent story that white elephant striker Phil Jevons could also be set for a season-long loan move to the Walkers. I know it's silly season, but that's just silly.

"At the end of the day, I'm quite happy." The words not of Angelus, Nosferatu, Lestat, Elizabeth Bathory, Vlad Dracula Tepes or Norman Lamont but of John McDermott, who has spoken to Radio Humberside of his less than boundless joy at signing a new two-year contract with the Mariners yesterday. "I never ever used Grimsby as a backfall," insists the record-breaking right-back, sounding a little anxious for fans to forget his mardy May. No need to worry though, John; the thought never once occurred to us that you were using Grimsby as a backfall.

Blundell Park ground staff may wish to take note of a legal ruling that the word Paki counts as racist under the Football Offences Act (1991), overturning an earlier verdict that cleared a Port Vale fan charged under the Act for chanting: "You're just a town full of Pakis" during a match against Oldham last October. GTFC stewards last season refused to take action against racists in the Pontoon who directed the same chant at Leicester fans, but the High Court yesterday ordered Stoke magistrates to overturn their acquittal of 21-year-old Sean Ratcliffe of Newcastle-under-Lyme and convict him. "In my view Ratcliffe's behaviour falls squarely within the definition of the act," said Lord Justice Auld in judgement.

"Sorry if I'm a bit late," writes Sir Michael Shelton in an email to the Diary, "but I thought I might double the quantity if not quality of book-related replies from non-members of the Cod Almighty team. Football Shorts by Vin Stanley is worth a read. Guaranteed to make you peas yourself." Now the Diary owns and did enjoy a volume by that title, but is unable to ascertain whether it be the same book because my little brother borrowed it about four years ago and still hasn't given it back. "Actually that's a lie and I certainly won't be held to the guarantee," adds Sir Mike - about the involuntary urination thing and not, presumably, the Diary's brother thing, "but I would quite like to know if any of you have experienced something so funny it genuinely did make you wet yourselves." Well, there's this story about Leicester signing Phil Jevons...

Si Wilson, meanwhile, skews the proportion of recommended reads back towards the CA team by remembering another set text from his own bookshelf. "Blowing The Whistle by legendary German nutcase goalie Harald 'Toni' Schumacher," he enthuses. "You have to read it to believe it. Corking!" It's just a good job Si didn't take a leaf out of Patrick Battiston's book and invite to his wedding everyone who'd ever tried to murder him.