Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Sunday 15 June 2003

15 June 2003

Good afternoon, and what a glorious Sunday it is. Hazy sunshine, the gentle ripple of birdsong, and the Diary's front room reverberating agreeably to the sound of the Ramones. We've even discovered a nice pub recently - y'know, that hasn't been vandalised like the Hope & Anchor, God rest its soul - but I intend to observe the first rule of travel writing and not tell you where it is, so it doesn't get overrun. Mind you, that rests upon the questionable presupposition that loads of people are reading this; and the Diary suspects that its readers tend to apply the first rule of travel to Cod Almighty. But what the hey - you wanna know about the Town, so I'll tell you.

Just one story this weekend, really, and one guaranteed to stoke up some parochial excitement on the streets of the former Humberside, if not panic in Carlisle, Dublin and Dundee. Yep: the word on Riby Square is that one of the Mariners' new signings is expected to be a foreign gentleman! Paul Groves makes his usual pledge not to reckon up the sum total of fowl, so that's all anyone knows so far. The Telegraph adds that a player from Town's out-of-contract army is also expected to sign a new deal next week - probably one of their mates Macca and Stace.

Remaining for the moment with matters Coldicottian, the Diary receives word from the town of Tring - the place our friend Mark Wilson calls home, and the place, coincidentally, where Mrs Diary's eccentric twin sister had lunch or something the other day. Mark is none too chuffed about this column's coverage of Big Brother, among other things. "You will recall that some time ago I suggested that we could keep the Diary going over summer as it wouldn't be hard to find 300 words of crap per day," he writes, and I do. "What I didn't realise was that you were going to take me literally and fill my day with Big Brother, Coronation Street and bands I'd never heard of. I read the Diary to get away from the first 2." But surely every band is at some point a band you've never heard of?

"But you have inspired me to suggest that as summer hols approach we could use the Diary to recommend football-related reading whilst we fry on the beach, and it may lift the tone a little," sniffs Mark. "I'll start!" Right you are then. "The Miracle of Castel di Sangro by Joe McGinniss - tiny provincial Italian team make it to Italian Serie B against all odds and American journalist writes diary of season in the 'big time' that goes up and down like a rollercoaster (sound familiar). It is the best book about football I have ever read, worth a read. Also, both of Gary Nelson's books Left Foot Forward and Left Foot in the Grave - books about how unglamorous being a lower division footballer is and a good read." Isn't there a "no disrespect to the likes of Grimsby" passage in one of those? "And finally, Steve Claridge's autobiography Tales from the Boot Camps. Bad football, very bad gambling, Barry Fry is a nutter. A belter."

Well, Mark, it's a cracking idea to get you all talking again - there's been about as much email to the Diary lately as there are weapons of mass destruction turning up in Iraq - so I'll add Mark Hodkinson's excellent Life Sentence, a kind of year in the life of Rochdale FC, and Great Balls of Fire by Alan Tomlinson and John Sugden, a compelling exposé of the corrupt heart of FIFA. Over to you lot then; mail your fave footer reads to codalmightydiary@yahoo.co.uk. And may I finish by saying that as the holder of degrees in English literature, the Diary is fully supportive of Mark's mission to raise the cultural and artistic tone of this column.

So over to the Big Brother house, and Steph Coldicott has clearly learned a thing or two from being married to our Stace. "Late on Friday afternoon 'elf-like' Steph was seen showing off her footie skills in an It's a Knockout-style game devised by the inmates," writes Cath Martin. "In a round entitled 'hoop ball' Steph followed the less than enthusiastic attempts of Soppy Nush and Orange Tania with a blinding right-footer which sent the ball scorching through the hoop. Scoring two goals out of three she was thought to look 'over the moon' with her performance. She may have thanked her husband for his support and encouragement...but the sound went and I turned over to watch Home And Away...apparently Charlotte wants Flynn's sperm...!!!" I'm sorry, but even the Diary has to draw the line at Home And Away, which has somehow never been the same without Isla Fisher. Incidentally, the Diary receives word from sources in the Coldicotts' home town of Redditch that Stace wants to patch things up with Mrs C; in which case, good luck to him.

"God but it's tedious," concludes our correspondent. "Why couldn't she be a newsreader or something!" Just think of all the Diary readers you're sparing from that tedium, though, Cath. We appreciate your sacrifice, don't we?

And finally to Tim White, who wishes to bring our attention to the scandal of inappropriate stationery at Fortress Blundell. Tim is distressed to note that the letter acknowledging his purchase of shares in GTFC is printed on headed paper that still carries the logo of former sponsor Dixon. "Forgive me if I'm wrong," he writes, "but are we not now sponsored by Jarvis?" Looks like your guess is as good as anyone's, mate.