Cod Almighty | Diary
Diary - Monday 9 June 2003
9 June 2003
The moment Town's less cynical supporters have been awaiting for weeks could fall within the next few hours, as the first of the 10 new players promised by Peter Furneaux is set to arrive at Blundell Park this afternoon, says the Grimsby Telegraph. A "mystery youngster" - thought to be a Division One centre-back rather than Shaggy out of Scooby Doo - appears to have agreed terms with the Mariners; "all being well it should be completed today," says Paul Groves, who has learned from bitter experience not to enumerate poultry prior to its emergence from the shell and is refusing to name names. "He's not a name but people in football will be aware of him. He's a younger player that's played a few games - including against us here last season," adds the boss, almost as if he knows full well that his words could be a cue for Diary readers with time on their hands to spend the afternoon interrogating Soccerbase.
Those who believe Michael Keane is most accurately characterised as "Alan Pouton with a left foot" will be nodding smugly to themselves at the weekend's news that Keane is getting told off for being dead naughty and could be grounded for the start of next season. The 'tough-tackling' Preston man - who still tops Paul Groves' midfield wishlist despite turning down a permanent move to Blundell Park - faces the horrors of an FA misconduct charge, reports the Grimsby Telegraph, for the 'provocative' celebrations that followed his goal against Brighton on 4 May in the final game of his loan spell with the Mariners, and might be looking at a ban. As one recent contributor to Cod Almighty's letters page pointed out, similar offences by other teams' players appear to have gone unpunished; so the FA is presumably waiting to see whether Keane signs for Town or stays at Deepdale before deciding on 12 concurrent life sentences with hard labour, solitary confinement and lumpy mash, or just a mild ticking-off.
On now to the money markets, and the international finance arse. From what the Diary understands of a report on Town's official site, all seems to be running to plan with the club's new share issue. There's something about outstanding letters that I don't really get - Sylvia Plath's were always my favourite - but it looks like the sale of unissued capital has raised about 50 grand so far, all of which will go directly to Mr Groves for rebuilding the squad. This is "in order to get back in a higher league," according to Mr Furneaux, "which is where we want to be." Well, if hundreds of people seemingly held me responsible for everything from the collapse of North Sea fishing to the global proliferation of chemical and biological weaponry, then I'd probably restate the obvious too. Should every new share in GTFC be sold, the chairman's dreams will be £360,000 closer to coming true.
Which is all very well, but the club is still too skint to keep David Beckham, apparently. Or could it be Michael Owen who is about to walk out of Blundell Park because of Town's cash crisis? "Grimsby Town face losing an England international," reports today's Grim Tel, "because they can't afford to keep him." And guess what? You've never heard of him! Matthew Stares is apparently too old at 18 to get another year as a trainee and apparently not good enough to get a pro contract. Which is terrible, because he has played for England Schools' under-18s and English Colleges, and I bet everyone who has ever done that has gone on to become a full England international and marry a pop star and make their club a leading global brand forever and ever. Yeah.
More news from the sham of a football club that its billy-no-mates owners still insist on calling Wimbledon, and Luton's new owners are pondering a bid to buy it out of administration and merge with it in a bid to secure "a back-door promotion" to Division One, as one interested party has phrased it. The Diary is convinced that League rules state that any new club formed by a merger would be placed in the division previously inhabited by the lowest-ranked of its constituent clubs, but they said Milton Keynes would never happen, and hey, it's 2003, so why let principle and tradition stand in the way of a clutch of greedy bastards in suits. In the wake of its 999 call to the administrators last week, the franchise club is also offering refunds to 'fans' who have bought season tickets for the MK hockey bowl and are worried that the move may not happen or that justice might be done by the club getting thrown out of the league.
And over in the Big Brother house, the name of Steph Coldicott has received its first black mark after Wife of Stace smuggled chocolate cake out of a party, or something. Mrs C now faces a Channel 4 misconduct charge and could be hit with a three-task ban.