Cod Almighty | Article

by Miles Moss

12 June 2003

Bolder dash, said the official site last week, recounting the story of how Town officials had to speed the 20 miles to a car park near the Humber Bridge in order to obtain Chris B's signature before he flew off on his jollies. It's a clever little headline... but so much so that it smacks of the tail wagging the dog. Did this really happen, I'm asking myself, and if so, was it contrived by the club officials in the name of a witty tagline?

Kirk Wheeler signed a new contract on the same day, but I'm fully expecting an accidentally-on-purpose problem to be spotted in the small print, leading to a further meeting with the club lawyers: Wheeler Meet Again, Mariners Net will tell us.

My curiosity was further aroused this week with the first of Paul Groves' summer signings, Tony Crane. Right away I couldn't help thinking whether he had been signed for his moniker alone. Sure enough, the official announcement came under the headline Town Get Crane In For A Lift. Of course, I'm hoping Tony will turn out to be a solid player for footballing reasons, but be sure of this: on a scrap of paper somewhere at Blundell Park, his name has already been scribbled down many times over, adjacent to words such as lift, boom, and hoist. And let's not even start to think about the possible ornithological puns.

So, one summer signing down, supposedly nine to go. If you're wondering who might be playing with three fish on their shirts next season, stop looking at lists of released and listed players, and start scouring Soccerbase for amusing names. Step forward, Mr Skora. Wayne could become the new 'Humber Bridge'. Roy Carroll would be a perfect signing near Christmas time. Free agent Adrian Moses could bring a wealth of footballing experience, yes, but ten times more bible-tastic headlines. Ooh, and just think of the photo opportunities...

Once they have a full compliment of players, Town are jetting off for pre-season friendlies in Spain. You have to wonder whether the club will throw a party there for young defender Simon, and publish the teaser Ford Fiesta. And what else could be on the cards? Selling the left-back into subservience and tempting us with Galli Slave? Putting Greg in a flowery summer dress and lots of make-up for the headline Pretty Young Thing? Or maybe cloning the Mariners' goalie twice over and plunging them all into the water feature in Trafalgar Square so they can boast for weeks afterwards of their amusing Three Coynes In The Fountain?

Town players beware! If, during training one day, Grovesie asks you to dress as a Mahatma Ghandi and stand on a diving board with a punnet of raspberries; or to jet off to Warsaw for a half-hour pottery lesson, followed by a photo session with the Polish national ballet school, ask yourself: is this going to improve your stamina and ball control skills, or is it merely a cunning ruse by the official site to generate an interesting headline?