Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Wednesday 18 May 2005

18 May 2005

Chelsea. Thinking they're all that, with their Premiership title, England internationals and charismatic manager. Pffff. What these jumped-up johnny-come-latelies don't realise is that Grimsby Town have been there, done the tapping-up scandal thing when it was still cool, and got told off by Scarborough. For it was a whole year ago that the newly appointed Mariners boss Mr Russell Slade was reported to have approached his former charge at the Bowl of Oven Chips, midfielder Scott Kerr, to see if he fancied following him down the coast to a glorious future at Blundell Park, and was publicly lambasted by an "appalled" Seadogs chairman. This week Kerr is one of three out-of-contract Scarborough players reported to be in talks with other clubs. Perhaps somebody could just remind me what two and two make.

The midfield, Mariners fans are generally agreed, is an area of the squad that will certainly need to be strengthened now that the best footballer on the books is being let go. Another pressing concern regarding new signings is the position of goalkeeper, particularly since the number of senior glovemen under contract to the club beyond this summer currently stands at zero. Here Town's official website can help out, since it is today unequivocally stating as fact not only that shaky Welshman Anthony Williams is pondering a new contract offered him by GTFC but also that Rantin' Russ "has targeted a new keeper" who is definitely, incontrovertibly, officially... oh... I mean "believed to be" from a "Championship side". That does mean Chelsea, Sunderland, Luton or Yeovil, doesn't it?

Town's commercial department has realised the necessity to raise its game if all these fresh-blooded young men are to be offered tempting packages (missus): hence the progress from those piffling old one-shirt-at-a-time auctions that are synonymous with the club's recent double relegations to an online car boot sale of the entire team's sweat-stained battle armour. Dan Humphrey has already emailed the Diary to ask: "If you buy Forbes', do you get free gloves and tights too?" Which means the time has surely come to draw a line under these jibes at Terrell's matchday apparel, because what all you fun-pokers fail to realise is that the soon to be ex-Mariners centre-half actually suffers from a debilitating medical condition that causes him to lose body heat from exposed limbs at several times the normal rate. The world's leading experts on human physiology have termed this disorder "being a southerner".

Speaking of emails, the Diary's inbox is groaning under the weight of your pet names. Katie George ("the Heartbroken Meggies Rockchick Manhunter - au revoir Thomas!") has a dog named Frank "after Francis Rossi from the Mighty Quo" and Richard Bedwell's folks have a cat called Nasser "after the then England cricket captain and not because we were thinking of sending him into space". On more of a Mariners riff, Mark Wilson has a cat called Buckley, who his gran calls "Grimsby Town the cat" as the last manager she remembers at BP is Bill Shankly. Mat 'Wycombe' Winn is moving house next month and will be calling his new jack russell puppy Mighty, after Mighty Mariner. Jerry Baily's collie Mariner sadly died young of water on the brain, but his successor Rebound is now nearly ten years old. And Dave the Engineer's first cat was, bizarrely, named after Dean Crombie. Well, I guess you'd have had a job calling him in at night if you'd gone for Mike Czuczman.