Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Monday 27 June 2005

27 June 2005

Writing the Diary is like waiting for a bus. There's nothing to report for ages, and then three buses all turn up at once. Heh! Oh.

The first of these elusive number 45s terminating at Immingham Docks is the signing of Tom Newey, whose chief claim to fame appears to be that there is a foot at the end of his left leg. A former trainee with former big club Leeds, the Sheffield-born 22-year-old seems to have been OK on loan with Cambridge and Darlington before signing for Leyton Orient in 2003, where he undoubtedly scored three times in 34 league starts before definitely returning to Cambridge for the last few months of the season just ended. He has signed a one-year contract with the Mariners. Cambridge? Don't panic - Town's official site is at pains to assure us that it was in spite of, rather than because of, Newey's presence that the Us finished bottom of the league and may slip out of existence altogether any day now. Nobody seems too certain - possibly not even the player himself - whether he's a left-back, left winger, or left wing-back, but he's probably better in all three positions than Simon Ramsden.

The big transfer talk over the weekend, though, was that Joe 'Three Million Quid' Lightowler has signed for Bridlington Town. No, hang on, that's not right either. Mr Russell Slade is about to offer contracts to two African midfielders who had recently been trading their ply in the French first division. Yeah, that's it. One is 23-year-old Makhtar N'Diaye, allegedly a Senegal international, lately of Sedan and Rennes (ooh - eight goals in 58 appearances); the other is Jean-Paul Kamudimba, apparently, who is 22 and Congolese, didn't really break through at Nice and nearly signed for Hearts a bit ago. Would you like a pinch of salt with that?

The third omnibus in our tightly bunched convoy of public service vehicles takes the shape of Wayne Graves, who - in common with the recently signed and almost forgotten Terry Barwick - is a midfielder released by Scunthorpe who played no part in their recent promotion to the third division but was a regular when they nearly dropped out of the league. Graves has joined the Mariners on trial, but let's try and keep an open mind, though, eh. After all, the Diary always looks over relegated squads in Football Manager to see if there's any juicy pickings worth scavenging from the wreckage. I'm infamous for it, in fact. They call me the Hyena. The 'The Hyena' Diary. I don't actually eat the discarded flesh of animals already slaughtered by larger predators, mind. It's a metaphor. So yeah, anyway, Barwick, Graves and Newey might be really good. Or at the very least, they might taste nice with a bit of barbecue sauce.

So, the Town squad have gone on that boot camp thing today, where they will doubtless be thrashed to within an inch of their lives by a sadistic drill sergeant, in ideal preparation for next season's visit to the Deva Stadium. And speaking of football and extreme violence, the Mariners have added Blackburn Rovers to their list of pre-season opponents - one hesitates to use the word 'friendly' where Blackburn Rovers are concerned - and will take on the Premiership bruisers at Blundell Park on Tuesday 2 August, thus ensuring an instant injury crisis in time for the first game of the season four days later.

Great news for Mariners fans with no lives! Two of next season's home games have already been switched from Saturday afternoons to Friday nights, allowing you to watch Russ's battlers take on Stockport on Friday 2 September, go home to bed, get up and watch England's World Cup qualifier against Wales the following afternoon, do some other stuff, watch Russ's plucky underachievers face Wycombe on Friday 7 October, go home to bed, and then get up and watch England's World Cup qualifier against Austria the afternoon after that. Interaction with other human beings is not compulsory.