Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Thursday 14 July 2005

14 July 2005

Town's attacking midfielder until next May will, as expected, be Ciaran Toner, the former Lincoln and Leyton Orient man who Russell Slade is believed to have initially targeted as early as March this year following his training-ground hoo-hah with Imps teammate Marcus Richardson. The player has signed a five-minute, sorry, one-year contract with the Mariners after what was presumably a successful trial spell, and it would be jolly nice if he could continue the impressive form he displayed at Sincil Bank after becoming a regular in Mr Big Keith Alexander's side last winter, thank you very much. It is to be hoped, however, that some aspects of Toner's form will not re-emerge at Blundell Park, as it was strongly rumoured that his bust-up with Richardson was characterised by an ethnic sensitivity that would make Ron Atkinson look a strong candidate for chairman of the Commission for Racial Equality.

Some fans feared that Slade, too, might harbour a streak of xenophobia after the manager's dodgy "the Frenchman" outburst at Thomas Pinault which followed Town's unfortunate 2-2 draw at Notts County in April. Their anxieties will have been allayed by the re-emergence of Gallic flair in last night's run-out at Bridlington, where the only goal was scored by a French trialist so far known only as Antoine. Town fans who attended the match have moved swiftly to reassure their fellow supporters that the missing words are not 'Mickael' and 'Curier'.

The words 'horse', 'door', 'stable', and 'bolted' spring to mind as GTFC belatedly install a poll on their official website in an attempt to gauge fans' opinions about Friday night football - ten days after announcing their decision to play Cheltenham on a Friday and two and a half weeks after bringing forward matches against Wycombe and Stockport. Even as you head over to the front page of the OS to register your view and reaffirm your faith in democracy, you may wish to bear in mind that the Diary's attempt this morning to vote 'no' was met immediately with the message "Error: The page you are trying to reach may have expired, or been moved. If you have followed a link from your bookmarks, please relocate the page and remember to update your bookmarks." I wish I was making this up, but I'm not.

A quick flick through the dog-eared rulebook just fished out from behind the Blundell Park fridge confirms that "FA rules apply" for tonight's Lincolnshire Cup game at home to Scunthorpe, which must mean that trialists aren't allowed to play (but seven of the new signings will). Club officials are now seeking clarification on whether the Geneva Convention will also be in force this evening, as last week's army camp training is said to have inspired some tactical innovations among the Mariners' coaching team, who are thought to be particularly keen on asking Justin Whittle to tie Peter Beagrie to a chair and administer electric shocks to his nipples while desecrating a picture of Brian Laws.

Michael Boulding is having a trial with Crewe, who are two whole divisions above Town.

Before I knock off for the week and leave you for tomorrow in the hands of another entertaining guest diarist, here's an email. "We seem to have declared open season on Town's dreadful PR," writes Mark Wilson, "so can you or your readers answer me a question please. How can we make such a big deal about giving away Adidas shirts (as well as picturing the whole squad wearing them) when we are sponsored by Nike? The two brands are metaphorically at each other's throats in the sportswear market and Nike will not be impressed by one of 'their' clubs openly promoting Adidas clothing - even if it is giving it away. Don't expect Nike to be keen to supply Town again when the deal runs out! Or am I missing something?" Well, Mark, as sure as day follows night or goal follows shot at Anthony Williams, the Diary hasn't got a clue about stuff like that, so perhaps our clued-up readership might be able to email us some thoughts. I will say this, though: I'm glad you said "metaphorically".