Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Friday 18 November 2005

18 November 2005

Good day to you fellow fans of football, let me introduce myself. My name is Absolutely No One Else Available Diary (I knew it'd come in handy one of these days) and this is my diary debut, please be gentle. Regular Diary has an urgent appointment with the lavatory after eating too many prunes and all Stand-In Diaries were involved in a horrific tenpin bowling accident.

The whole footballing community is holding it's breath in anticipation of tomorrow's clash of the nicknames, the Mariners versus the Chairboys. Ruzzell Slade (as Noddy Holder might type his name) has a selection dilemma; does he plump for Ciaran Toner (spellchecker suggests that Toner is "CIA ran", you've been warned) or Jean-Paul Kamudimba Kalala to partner Paul Bolland in the centre of midfield. That reminds me, does anyone know if JPKK started the recent DR Congo match because the OS isn't sure. Slade hints that Toner will start, as his name is far easier to spell.

Gary Jones "the Lump" is overjoyed with Russell Slade's decision to let his talented squad knock the ball to each other's feet rather than hoofing the ball towards Belgium. "The gaffer has drummed into us to play a lot more and not just boot it forward to me or Michael Reddy to have a battle for it." said Lumpy, although why he and Reddy have been battling each other for the ball is unclear. Another interviewee, Ciaran Toner, had this to say about his impressive (and far less Stuart Campbell-like) performance against Macclesfield. "I haven't played a lot but my fitness felt fine - I think the extra work I had done on my own after training paid off." Perhaps if a certain large-arsed defender matched this dedication he wouldn't be looking at a career twelve divisions below the football league.

One player who won't figure for the Mariners on Saturday, or ever, is Bas "Bass" Savage. His "massive pay demands" not really on a par for a striker with zero league goals to his credit. Rumours that Martin Gritton will blow dry his hair at another club soon will take a backseat until non-scoring striker A. Trialist reports for duty in the near future.

Here's a fact for all you Michael Owen fans out there. Eight years ago today, the boy Owen scored his first professional hat-trick against non-other than the plucky Mariners. "This is still the highlight of my illustrious career. As a child I always dreamt of playing against Grimsby Town and to score thrice was incredible." The midget striker has never said this but looked like he might do on occasions.

Have you been to Blundell Park lately? If you have, good on you, recent seasons have been hard to digest (not unlike those Lincolnshire crisps sold in the kiosks). If you've spent Saturday afternoons (or Friday nights *spit*) painting the children, shopping in the pub or having an affair with the local cheese, then let us know in this clever arrangement. Personally, I'd walk through several piles of dog shit to watch the Mariners. Which is lucky, as that's what I have to do every home match. Cheers.