Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Friday 20 January 2006

20 January 2006

Hello. If you think Tetney is bleak and miserable in the summer months, it's probably best if you don't go there during the dark, dank, dreary, dismal, dispiriting month of December. (Yes, I know it's January, but I've got to get my alliteration in somewhere.) The sheer grey horridness of the place may well make you want to claw out your own eyes or sniff glue. All of which means that this Bottom-of-the-Barrel Diary may be a tad subdued, lacking the energy and vim usually associated with this lively young person's website.

Now then, the last time I diaried, a Very Important Match Reporter Man - who shall remain nameless - told me off for not mentioning either GTFC or Pink Floyd enough. Who could that have been eh, readers? Well, TB, as I shall call him to protect his anonymity, will be delighted to know that Gavin Caines talks about nothing but Grimsby Town in a recent interview. The Cheltenham defender faces the infant Shearer, who will doubtless be mewling and puking in his nurse's arms, in a forthcoming fourth round FA Cup tie. "I watched the Grimsby v Newcastle game," he tells us, "and there were elbows flying. But I know how to look after myself. Hopefully I can keep Shearer quiet." Leaving aside the flying elbows - which were surely seagulls - this seems to suggest that the whiny splitty-lipped Geordie will be crying "He's done me!" in that irritating high-pitched baby voice one more time before his inevitable and much-anticipated retirement. Hee hee hee.

Incidentally, many of you will have identified a quote in the above as a line from Jacques' melancholy 'seven ages of Man' soliloquy in As You Like It by William Shakespeare. This is considered to be one of the finest passages of writing in the history of the English language. However, a couple of lines after the "mewling infant" bit, Shakespeare tries to tell us that snails go to school, which most biologists now believe not to be the case. So treat the whole thing with a pinch of salt would be my advice. The speech, that is, not the snail, although that would of course be effective. Whoops, I've gone off the point again. The Butchermeister won't be pleased.

Soooo, the high-flying Mariners play the low-flying Seagulls (or possibly the Elbows) at Plainmoor tomorrow with a long doubtful-to-play list, the most notable potential absentee being Sticky Jones. You can read all this stuff on the GET website, of course, or in the match preview, so I won't bore you with details, whatever Tony thinks I should do. Did you know Junior Mendes was a Montserrat international? You did? Oh. If you can't make it to the game, Radio Humberside will be sending John Tondeur and Stuart Brace to commentate. Tune in to 1485AM or their digital channel, whatever that is.

And finally, Cyril, many people have expressed concern about my neighbour's front wall, which my mother-in-law recently drove into and wrecked. Is she, you asked, going to pay for its repair? Well, the answer is this:

Oooo, babe, ooooo, babe, ooooooo, babe, of course
Mother(-in-law)'s going to help (re-)build the wall.

There. That should keep my anonymous detractor happy, whoever he may be.