Cod Almighty | Article

by Codswallop

16 September 2004

Innocent until proven guilty! That's what Codswallop replied when my daughter-in-law called to say she was going to petrol-bomb every guesthouse in Cleethorpes just to make sure she got the right one. Innocent until proven guilty. Of course, these nonces and perverts, the legal system makes it easy for them. Well, they shouldn't be allowed lawyers, for one thing. And a jury? What's that all about? I mean there could be nonces and perverts on the jury, or even worse - vegetarians!!

So, as I say, innocent until proven guilty. And these sex offenders, well, you can tell by looking at them, can't you. I ask you, will somebody please think of the children? Do away with these Guardian-reading lawyers and juries, thinks I, and let the judge decide. Then lock 'em up, chop their keys off and throw away the bollocks!

It's political correctness gone mad these days. Take these speed cameras. Please, take them! Listen to these pacifists with their organic sandals saying, ooh, it's been estimated that they've saved the lives of 1,240 children for each year they've been in operation. But what sort of world are we bringing them up in if you can't break the law without being taken to court for it? If I'd known there'd be such things as speed cameras one day, then I've have drowned my kids at birth.

So if you ask Codswallop, Russell Slades can sign whoever he likes. I'm not a racist, so I don't mind the coloured players. I've got nothing against the gays either, as long as they don't ram it down my throat. I don't even mind footballers having long hair, as long as they're an attractive addition to the squad. Look at Michael Reddy. I'm always looking at him. I've got nothing against the Irish, you see - when they're not blowing each other up!! I don't know what all the fuss is about with Ireland anyway - it's all part of England really, isn't it.

It's a small world these days, you see. It's a global village. And if Town lack the ambition to build a 95,000-capacity stadium at Great Coates and give Lawrie Mac the keys to the manager's office then we'll have to come up with some other way to get back in the Fairs Cup again. Even Frenchmen! Thomas Peanut has scored three goals, apparently. Although the thing about the French, you know, is they really hate the English. I see we've even got a couple of Australians on trial now. I don't know what they're accused of though! Crimes against music, if that Kylie Minogue is anything to go by!!

That's another thing that's gone mad - music. It's all just noise. Noise and s*x and upsetting the neighbours. Pop music never used to be like that. I'm getting off the topic of football now, though. We can't have that! So I was pleased to see that the club is bringing back 'Up the Mariners'. Mrs Codswallop was a little bemused at first, though, when I dusted off my copy and cranked up the old record player as we retired last night. She agreed to wear the black and white negligee but drew the line at letting me call her Michael.